“GOOD MUM” VS “BAD MUM”
I have been blogging now for four years. It has become so much a part of my daily life that I didn’t even make everybody do a little cyber-round-of-applause on it’s birthday this year (Easter Sunday – ate it’s Easter eggs because it might get fat otherwise) because it sort of got boring talking about why it started, what it meant, how I loved it, should I delete it for a minute, it just is what it is. However, my point here is that in the entire time that I have been blogging I have only ever received one negative comment and that was on a post I wrote about Marco Pierre White ages ago…..until yesterday, that is, when into my comment box came a surprisingly critical and somewhat negative tirade about the way I choose to run my life.
Of course if I blog, I must be prepared for that sort of criticism and allow other people’s views to be aired but having thought about it overnight, I have decided that what “Good Mum” wrote deserves a little more attention. I think it’s quite interesting. She obviously has some relevant points. I do go on about divorce and how it affects the children an awful lot. Perhaps more than I should – but having come from a loving family where my two parents remained together until my father died a few months ago, I can’t imagine how much more difficult it is for my kids than it was for me. OK it is their “norm” but that doesn’t make it any easier for them.
Anyway. Here is the comment in full from “Good Mum” – which presumably therefore makes me “Bad Mum” or better still “Naughty Mum”.
“It seems to me that if you keep going on about how ‘odd’ your situation is, you are just making it all the more ‘odd’ for all the children. What is a normal family these days anyway? If your children are loved by both families they are extremely lucky. It shouldn’t matter who the parents are. This is their norm, their lives, and it is you making it an issue by keep writing about it, surely? You’d been divorced for years, and so had BB. If your children can see that both couples are now happy then isn’t it about time you did? It seems maybe, you are the one that is unhappy about it. If so, it may be you creating the ‘minefields’ you talk of for your children, by feeling as you do and writing about it in your blog. Children just want their parents to be happy. Does any child want to read their mother talking about their father, or his situation, in the way you write? Can you not see what an impossible position you are creating for your children, especially for your daughter, being so close to you and so close to your pain, by writing as you do? It seems that both couples are in the same situation, but unfortunately, only one couple has moved on. Time for you to move on, and allow your children to see that you are happy about it. Let it go, and just be a good parent, not a parent at war over your Ex-husband’s new life and wife, whoever she is. (Still not quite sure what she has done so wrong, as you are both in exactly the same situation).We all have complicated lives, and things that turn our lives upside down, but we should surely as mothers deal with those complications as quietly and discretely as possible, in a way that protects our children. Not write about it possibly in a blog?”
Ok, so lets unpick this a little.
“If you keep going on about how ‘odd’ your situation is you will make it more “odd”
Really? But our situation is “odd” – I don’t know many other “wife swap” scenarios where children are involved and even if everyone gets on massively it is still weird and incestuous. The children manage the difficult situation very well but even they would admit to it being “odd”. I don’t think it’s just me that thinks that.
If your children are loved by both families they are extremely lucky. It shouldn’t matter who the parents are.
Of course it matters who the parents are.
it is you making it an issue by keep writing about it, surely
Maybe, but what is wrong with ensuring that all the issues are addressed as they appear and frankly I write a lot about stuff that affects my life and these are the issues that come up – not the other way around.
You’d been divorced for years, and so had BB
How do you know that? I got divorced in 2007 as did BB – our ex’s married in 2010 after knowing each other just over a year. I don’t think that’s very much time to get over your first marriage, but hey that’s just me.
If your children can see that both couples are now happy then isn’t it about time you did?
Are both couples happy? I wouldn’t presume to know that. What I write about isn’t anything to do with whether the other couple are happy or not.
It seems maybe, you are the one that is unhappy about it.
No shit.
Does any child want to read their mother talking about their father, or his situation, in the way you write?
What exactly do you mean?
Can you not see what an impossible position you are creating for your children, especially for your daughter, being so close to you and so close to your pain, by writing as you do?
Do you really think that by talking openly and honestly with all three of my children I have put them in an “impossible position?”. Not in the slightest. We talk things over and everybody is clear about how we all feel. I think it’s a brilliant way to bring up children. I apologise if I come over as being “pained” all the time – I will have to address that.
It seems that both couples are in the same situation, but unfortunately, only one couple has moved on.
“Unfortunately, only one couple has moved on?” how do you know that? I don’t know how the other couple are getting on – I’m sure they just deal with things in a different way – I don’t suppose they’d choose to write about it, but I don’t think that means we can assume they have “moved on”? Or perhaps you mean that BB and I are the unfortunate ones who have moved on? Sorry, not very clear.
Time for you to move on, and allow your children to see that you are happy about it.
Move on from what? This is my life and I’m writing about it.
Let it go
Let what go?
just be a good parent, not a parent at war over your Ex-husband’s new life and wife, whoever she is.
What do you mean “good parent?” are you therefore suggesting that I’m a bad parent. What makes a good parent? One that ignores all the issues and sticks their head in the sand? Sweeps the shit under the carpet? I’m not in the least at war with my ex husband’s life. Don’t know the wife – only met her once, but she has an unbelievably warring relationship with her ex husband, so presumably that is worse?
(Still not quite sure what she has done so wrong, as you are both in exactly the same situation)
We are not in exactly the same situation. I divorced my husband because he had an affair – I would never have divorced him for other reasons. I then met BB and when we were out of the country she phoned my ex husband so it was a premeditated plan which caused me a huge amount of heartache and I had to split up with him. She now lives in a large six bedroom house and tells BB that it is awful he has to live somewhere with a “communal front door”. To be honest it is what it is – I don’t particularly think she has done anything “wrong” – I just wouldn’t have made the same life choices she has.
but we should surely as mothers deal with those complications as quietly and discretely as possible, in a way that protects our children
Why is “Quiet and Discrete” the best way? What’s wrong with discussions, advice, laughter, getting it wrong, talking about it? Each to their own.
Not write about it possibly in a blog?”
Well, you have your opinion on that. Of course publically writing about stuff is not everybody’s cup of tea. However, as I’ve said before I was writing long before she appeared on the scene, so of course I now write about all that as well. I have had concerns before about what I’ve written – when I initially started it was just as a form of counselling – nobody read it, but now it’s changed and it’s part of my life and I love it. From what you’ve said, I don’t expect you to. But if you have a problem with the honesty of blogs then it’s probably best not to read them.
What an interesting discussion hey? Any opinions? BE HONEST? I can take the criticism ( I hope).
Brother no. 1
May 11, 2011Yay – cats & pigeons have a party. This could get Interesting. Had you considered that Good Mum might be “her who should not be named”? That post will infuriate her if it is but all fair in love, war and anonymous comments x
Family Affairs
May 11, 2011Well, that is entirely possible I suppose or maybe a friend of hers – but as you say, all’s fair in love and war Lx
LoopyLu
May 11, 2011Ok. Honest opinions. Good Mum is clearly a twat and should knob off. I feel I’m in a position to have an opinion on this because I have been reading this blog since the day is began and therefore know the history. Should Good Mum want to do her own blog and fill it with her own opinions and views, she ought to crack on, but butt out of this one. If she doesn’t like it, she shouldn’t read it.
Family Affairs
May 11, 2011That’s harsh…..but you’re entitled to your opinion obviously! I don’t mind the open dialogue, but it just feels a little critical as you say, for a first visit. Lx
kelloggsville
May 11, 2011Hmmmm…as an outsider I can really only comment on the blogging aspect. I like your style of writing, it flows, you often make me laugh and you are one of only a handful of blogs I will try to read every post on. I often relate to the juxtapostions you find yourself in with the co-parenting problems and how you relay issues your children have help me to understand my own a little better. So I say your blog is good. I also believe if your blog affected your children in a negative way they would tell you. They seem fairly good at expressing themselves and you seem to encourage open dialogue which seems to work. I have to use the word ‘seem’ because I only know what I read and then I have my own spin of interpretation of that.
Spin and interpretation is interesting. If ‘good mum’ knows a little of you, she may form a lot of padding around your words and then read more than is really there, she may be forming her own image which can’t possibly be your reality, that is bound to lead to problems.
The things you have discussed openly in your blog have never made me feel like I was prying or it was TMI until now. I have found all the discussions about maintenance and managing hand offs etc very helpful and interesting but now, this sort of feels like ‘washing dirty linen’. I know you didn’t start it and I don’t even know if you have the ability to end it but what I do hope is that it is cathartic for you and it ultimately resolves something and does not add to the difficulties you have experienced in managing the co-parental relationships in the best interests of all your children. I do know that I read that all you do is in the interests of the children and sometimes to your own detriment, just look at the break you and BB had. It felt like that was about ‘everybody else’ and not what you really wanted.
I do hope this reads as intended, which is friendly and caring and not judgemental. Sticking with you and I do hope that Good Mum exercises common sense and understanding going forwards xxx
Family Affairs
May 11, 2011Thanks yes, entirely fair and I accept that “washing dirty laundry’ in public is not a good thing – will try not to let it get out of hand Lx
Laura
May 11, 2011Oh my god. Is Good Mum who I think it might be? This situation just got all the more weird.
Family Affairs
May 11, 2011Yes, too weird actually, going to back off now Lx
English Mum
May 11, 2011Oh let’s be honest. She was never interested in your answers, she just wanted to dive in to your blog with her big wooden spoon and stir some shit up.
Great answers nontheless.
Family Affairs
May 11, 2011Thanks x
Mud
May 11, 2011‘Goodmum’s first visit to the blog is it? Hmmmm….. I think I smell a rat.
Family Affairs
May 11, 2011Bit odd, I agree Lx
Expat Mum
May 11, 2011I can’t believe I’m actually weighing in here since it’s just not worth my valuable time (Good Mum that is, not you pet.)
She has an axe to grind and obviously hasn’t read your blog from the start as she gets facts wrong all over the place. Not knowing what the ex’s wife has done wrong is just laughable. No honest, upstanding person would think that her behaviour over the past few years has been OK, let alone sane.
And for the record, (arms folded across bosom, Les Dawson style) I don’t think you whine and moan at all. I think you handle your stuff with a lot of humour and self deprecation and you seem to have a great relationship with your kids.
Good Mum just needs to bog off and get a life. (Sorry if that sounds childish but this just brings out the playground element in me!)
PS. If “Good Mum” comments like this on every post, you have the right not to publish the comment as it’s going to get really tiresome very quickly. And don’t you dare start editing what you would normally want to write.
(Goes off for a lie down….)
Family Affairs
May 11, 2011OK OK – thanks – glad you don’t think I moan all the time and I will take note that you don’t want to see lots of comments like this – will keep it in hand I promise and try not to let it affect my writing Lx
janelle
May 11, 2011hmmm. hmmm…whatEVER…YOU ROCK! always have…you;re bright, honest, a FANTASTIC mum, hugely funny, hugely real and you write fucking brilliantly. obviously. and basically that’s all there is to it…so anyone can say what they bloody well like – it ain’t going to change the truth of anything….so good mum can put that in her pipe and smoke it…done. xxx j
janelle
May 11, 2011oh and PS: bad mum 1 good mum 0. round 2. ding ding ding. heh. xx
Family Affairs
May 11, 2011Ha ha. Round two – meant to be in a boxing ring. Ding Ding. I’m not going to let it get to round two xx
louise
May 11, 2011There’s a Rat in mi Kitchen!
Karin
May 11, 2011I confess to a certain amount of voyeuristic enjoyment of this little twist . . . but agree with others that much repetition could change this blog from one I enjoy reading every day (BTW, this is the only blog I read every day!) into one that feels, well, icky. More importantly, though, I imagine it would make you feel icky. I love your perspective and you make me laugh. Please, keep writing for you.
On a “none of my business” note: It does seem a shame that you’ve only met your children’s stepmother one time. I wonder if there’s any way to break through all the baggage and develop a cordial (and distant) working relationship?
Francesca
May 11, 2011Please don’t feed the trolls. You are cleverer and better than that.
saz
May 12, 2011OMG!! this is really interesting for me on several levels, and has made me look on how I blog (I know the why)..
but first let me say who the fek is Goodmum….l’m guessing here of course…too freaky to be ‘her’…snide of her if it is….and if it isn’t well it’s a free space to comment if your blog is open to all anon too…but on her first visit, which l doubt it was, but first time to comment, how impolite, ruse, disrespectful and relentless was she….
secondly Lu….you reigned yourself pretty well in, as l think l may have curled up under the quilt for a while, before or rather If i ever re0plied as well and lucidly as you did….and restrained might l add….
thirdly, this has made me think that I am too reserved in my posts, think too much as l edit my rants….is HE reading this, is daughter, is my son…therefore I don’t write about my angst, my fear of being on the streets next month (and not in a working way, more a sleeping on cardboard way)…how I now only get £5 a wk for my son now from CSA/soon oh please soon to be ex)
how l would like to tell of my recent expedition into the world of a lover or two…..and how it made me feel wonderful (the first after) and alive and free and how it feels to be seeing (my new friend) a 34 year old (I’m 52) and that l’m still a 16yr olds inside with all the same feelings, but with the wisdom of a wizened old bat..
i wish l could, maybe I should, perhaps I will post more openly and honestly…am l protecting me, the soon to be 20yr daughter who hasnt spoken to me since christmas day, my son my hero, my f*”kwit of a husband….
ok ok Lu…your blog brings me out in a rash of emotion and the need to expunge…
can;t be bad, except for those who read or not my comments..
luv ya lots, dont you dare do anything different…
everyone is different and thats what makes it so wonderful…as you are
brave girl
you rock
luv saz x
Family Affairs
May 12, 2011Thanks Saz, I know how much is going on for you and how your blog helped you work through your problems – I’m sure the time will come when you will feel free to write about what you want, but of course family members feelings need to be considered. Lx
auntiegwen
May 12, 2011Lu – when I wrote about my children being upset at their dad getting engaged (he and I are actually still legally married) I also got a fairly strong opinion from a first time visitor and I wondered about the commenter’s real identity. If it was to be the new Mrs at least she didn’t call herself “Goodmum” and hid behind the good old fahioned anonymous.
Family Affairs
May 12, 2011and what is wrong with writing about your children being upset when another parent gets engaged – it’s fucking obvious they are going to be upset about even if long term they are happy with it – it’s a natural constant for kids to want their two birth parents to be together. Simple. Lx
Shiny
May 12, 2011Oh, that’s made me cross. It made me write a post. Tried to be clever, wasn’t, but publishing anyway, hope you don’t mind me linking. I think you’re fabulous – as a mum and a writer. I hope you don’t feel censored. I’m sure you do. Crap.
Sending winter sunshine from here on the tip of Africa. It’s more like summer sunshine today, making my sillily-chosen winter outfit rather hot and bothersome…
xxx
Eclipse
May 14, 2011Bit late to the game – been in a cottage without the net and running water. I think everyone said pretty much what I wanted to say, so, ditto to all the above. You handle yourself with much dignity and as I have said before if people don’t like what they read on blogs then they don’t have to visit the blog… Just, don’t feed the trolls much and don’t change how you write 🙂
Jan Lennie
May 14, 2011Another ditto – don’t go changing anythig – you are what you are and trolls are not worth the effort x
Family Affairs
May 14, 2011thanks very much Lx