I am having a parenting meltdown. Questioning all manner of stuff owing to all manner of stuff (sorry to be so vague). Without giving too much away I am beginning to seriously question what this parenting business is all about – in other words I am feeling a general overall incompetence that has resulted in my wondering whether I have anything of any real value to add to my children’s lives – apart from the obvious initial crucial involvement I had at their being born at all. I mean WHAT ARE WE ALL HOPING TO ACHIEVE FROM ALL THIS TIME AND EFFORT????
Just to make things entirely clear(ish), my current take on life (today) is mostly all about the fact that I have a son I can’t locate who may or may not be hanging onto a tree for dear life somewhere in New South Wales, caught up in the flash floods (see post below). Therefore, currently all I care about is that he and his girlfriend are safe. Ergo, perhaps the simple answer to the job of parenting is that our main aim is to ensure our children reach adulthood in one piece and hopefully outlive us. Once this has been achieved then perhaps we can add on the bits about hoping they will be healthy and happy and that we haven’t f*cked them up too much in the process – which of course we will do whatever happens because that is simply how it is. Blaming your parents is an essential part of growing up and I personally like to use it all the time. I’m pretty sure that I’m traumatising my children on a daily basis – and that is before I take into consideration their complicated family scenario. I discovered yesterday that even my children’s farts are my fault – “mum, my bodily functions are 50% genetic which is your and dad’s fault and 50% environment – which is mostly your fault – so farting in public is entirely out of my control and you are completely to blame”.
Any parent will know that it’s quite hard work keeping ridiculously inept children out of danger between the ages of 0 and 18 – we are the only mammals on the planet who have to spend YEARS rather than minutes, days or weeks looking after (mostly) ungrateful and incapable babies – but naturally we all do our best because most of the time we love them unconditionally even if we do lurch from overwhelming feelings of love to massive heart wrenching panic to pure rage from one minute to the next.
This leads me on to question what role exactly we as parents should play in life. I know we are there to guide and protect and advise and all that stuff, but ultimately what is our aim? Has the burden of responsibility to be fully involved become too much? Are we too pushy and put too much effort into our children’s lives these days? Don’t they have to make their own mistakes? Is it our job to come down on them like a ton of bricks when they don’t do what we expect them to do? Is it my job to force my children to do their homework perfectly, ground them, punish them – treat them like we know better when frankly most of the time we don’t – or as a mother who professes to know my children is it better to look at a different approach. One that just might work with that particular child. I don’t know. My idea of parenting is different to others, which presumably is fine because I can’t say that I’ve noticed a particular style of parenting that has been massively more successful than any other. I get lots of advice from friends with children a few years older than mine. I don’t think criticising one approach over another is appropriate. Who knows ultimately how they’re all going to turn out? Every child is different and therefore although we are required to show consistency it is also important to recognise the needs of each individual – isn’t it? It feels hard when you’re divorced or separated because you have to do things on your own and then get criticised for it – but I wonder if sometimes it’s easier than when there are two parents battling to find a solution that is agreeable all round.
I grew up under the watch of very strict parents. I wasn’t allowed my own opinions or allowed out much. Which meant that whatever I was going to do I did anyway, but without their knowledge. Behind their back. Away from my house. I remember burning with rage about the indignity of their rigid approach on many occasions. I didn’t find my own voice or a friendship with them until I was old enough to buy them a drink in the pub – and then we became very close. Until then I thought adults were a different breed from another planet – people to be revered and a little bit scared of and looked up to because they had all the answers and then of course, I was gutted when it became clear that adults were no more sorted than children and in some cases way more messed up. I certainly don’t want that level of adult/child relationship with my children because I didn’t think it was fair and reasonable then and I still don’t think it is fair now. They did what they thought was best obviously. But my approach is different. My children and I have a much more open relationship and I believe that honesty and respect is key and anyway, what is really so wrong with wanting your children to like you as well as love you down the line?
I realise that we shouldn’t muddle up the role of “parent” compared to that of “friend” but surely there is nothing wrong with the edges being blurred from time to time. Children don’t want parents to be friends – that can be very embarrassing and anyway they’ve got their own friends to talk to about relationships and so on but I do want them to feel they can talk to me about anything and I do want to have fun with them.
I discussed this with two girlfriends last night and we agreed that the following points were important in modern day parenting:-
1. Unconditional love
2. Availability
3. Interest
4. Warmth and being cared for
5. Honesty
6. The need to respect each other
7. Consistency
8. Mutual trust
9. Communication
10. Lots of wine
Basically we agreed that it was OK to let children see that ultimately you’re a good person with faults. All you can do is try your hardest and never give up. You can have a grown up relationship with your children that still stays where it should in terms of parent/child dynamics. Children need boundaries, it makes them feel safe and loved. They deserve to know the truth about situations because that is better than being shut out and fearing the worst. Communication is vital obviously and it’s a particularly fine balance giving them the opportunity to be listened to without them thinking they have all the control.
It’s a minefield. I make mistakes. Did this weekend. All I can do is talk to my children and hope they understand. We, as parents have a huge role to play but at the end of the day when we have done the best job we can under difficult circumstances we want them to embrace the world with open arms – to love life, dance, experiment, work hard, be happy and in amongst all that living I want to be part of it – I want them to want to phone me and come and see me and still go on holiday together because we actually all really, really like each other.
Is that too much to ask do you think?
Kelloggsville
March 7, 2012Well it all sounds about right to me but what do I know, I haven’t raised one to adulthood yet. I’ll pretend to have answers when I no longer live in a glass house. Although I would say that gin is a much more effective crutch than wine. And ‘this too shall pass’ is my parenting motto.
Family Affairs
March 7, 2012What a very good motto that is L x
Expat Mum
March 7, 2012I go back and forth between trying to steer them and thinking “Oh F*%k it, they can make mistakes and deal with it”. Your first two points are very important once they leave home. The Queenager quite often phones me and warns me that she just wants to rant and doesn’t need any advice or intervention. Err, ok then.
Karin
March 7, 2012I saw something good on Facebook this week – it talked about parents being, rather than a helicopters, “ramp agents.” Those are the guys that guide in the planes, handle the luggage, clean them up and send them out again. Here’s the link: http://blogs.phillymag.com/the_philly_post/2011/09/29/parent-college-aged-kids/
Of course, that doesn’t apply until kids are old enough to be “independent.” – Mine are still 6 and 8, so my waters are still clear! Trying to store up enough good will in the bank for the tumultuous times to come.
Gappy
March 7, 2012No I don’t think that’s too much to ask at all. I would hope that, especially as my children grow into adults, our relationship becomes one with an element of friendship mixed in too.
I do think we put a huge amount of pressure on ourselves as parents though. We worry ourselves sick over the best way to wean, whether French classes at age 2 might be too much (;-)), whether we are giving them exactly the right amount and variety of fresh fruit and veg. And ultimately I think that as long as they’re fed, kept warm, and loved with a good heart, they generally turn out alright in the end.
Perhaps sometimes we just need to give ourselves a break.
English Mum
March 7, 2012God this parenting is bloody hard. Had a conversation on Twitter with someone recently about parenting teens. They felt the same as me – when reading about people worrying sick about their 6 year old making friends, or their toddler not sleeping or whatever… all I can think is ‘just you wait’… at least they’re under your roof, being protected, not tempted by booze, drugs or god knows what else… That’s not to belittle the worries of parenting younger kids – I’ve been there too. It’s just that looking back, it seems like a doddle.
I think my parenting style is a bit ‘left field’ – I’m a bit sweary myself and I let them have a bit of leeway at home as long as they’re always polite and respectful to others… You’re right, though, the best we can hope for is that we could out the other end still wanting to be near each other 🙂
Working Mum
March 7, 2012I’ve spent twenty years teaching teenagers and I can honestly say it is not going to help me one bit once my daughter reaches those difficult years! I’m dreading it. As English Mum says, at least at the moment, aged 7, Izzy is under my watch and protection pretty much all the time. Heaven help me when she wants to start going into Manchester with her mates!!!
Family Affairs
March 7, 2012OMG it’s going to be a nightmare. Sorry. Lx
DD's Diary
March 7, 2012I think they’re very lucky to have such a fab mother who cares and worries but doesn’t want to stifle … It’s the hardest job in the world and it sounds like you’re doing it brilliantly x
Shiny
March 11, 2012I live in awe of mothers and, having read your blog for a good, long, time now, I live especially in awe of you as a mother. I think whatever you’re doing is brilliant. Your kids sound great and, whatever drama is currently being dealt with will, as someone above said, pass. The overwhelming feeling I have always got about your mothering is that it is all so deeply entreched with love that it really can’t go wrong. And on the occasions it does? Yes… Wine. Lots of it xxx
Family Affairs
March 11, 2012Aaaah thx lovely. What a great comment x