INNER CALM

It seems that the more turmoil that is going on around me, the calmer I feel. It is very strange. I think it must be because, even though there is a lot of chaos and instability swirling around, it is external, rather than internal. When my life was turned upside down by my husband’s affair, what appeared on the surface to be a calm, organised, secure world became almost unbearable because I hardly recognised myself or my life and could hardly bear to be inside my own body. The worst bit was before I told anybody. The bit just before Christmas when I had to pretend to the children and my family and friends that everything was all right. I thought I was going to explode. Somebody once said to me “you cannot live a lie” and that was eventually how I felt. Now, even with everything going on, I am back to being myself, because I feel more in control instead of somebody trying to be something they’re not. I couldn’t do that. In the end I had to admit defeat. My husband didn’t want to talk about any of it – he, not surprisingly wanted it all to just go away and whilst I understand that and wish I could have made it all go away, I simply couldn’t, I literally felt as if I was being eaten alive by tiny, angry red ants.