I read an article recently that stated that if you still “hate” your ex, you’ve not yet disengaged from him or her. That “love and hate aren’t opposites – they’re intertwined.”
OK I accept that all the stress surrounding the four “ex’s” in our bizarre little square means we haven’t yet disengaged – I’m not sure it’s possible to entirely disengage when you are attempting to share in the role of bringing up your joint children BUT I do not agree that all the anger really means that we or they are still in love with our/their respective partners. That would be ridiculous.
Indifference is the emotion that is almost the opposite of love, but as I have said it is difficult to remain indifferent to the mother/father of your children however hard you try.
The love/hate issue comes up a lot with us – “oh he is clearly still in love with you” or “she still loves me” and I simply do not believe that can be true. I think it is more about losing control of the situation – about being unable to “let go” and maybe even a covering emotion for fear.
Any thoughts on Love and Hate???
Expat Mum
June 25, 2010I agree that indifference is the opposite of love. When couples are still fighting there’s obviously some passion there but it doesn’t mean they’re still in love with each other, just venting.
fab feisty and fifty
June 25, 2010yes l think the line is so small..it overlaps….l hate and love at the same time, cos l think hate ha to do with like, not love..but then thats just my perspective at the moment…
let go…well thats something l did try today in shiatsu….l let go so much l was sobbing with my eyes closed…didnt know it was possible….
Anna
June 25, 2010I think that you are right on with the losing control and covering fear scenario. These two issues are intertwined, anyway. You are also right that it is very, very tricky when children are involved. In that case it becomes very hard to distinguish between a healthy and reasonable urge to get a grip on things and the fear that results from feeling like a rug is being pulled out from underneath you.
I do think that love and hate have something to do with one another. Both very strong feelings. Hating someone also means that they were able to get you where it really hurts, and, usually, it’s the people who are very close to you or have intimate knowledge of you that can do that.
Family Affairs
June 26, 2010So true Anna – you are SO wise it’s ridiculous….Lx
janelle
June 26, 2010absolutely nothing to add….clueless….but yes…hate the flip side…emotional, passionate reactions certainly means there are feelings…for sure. so hard to create distance and no coms when there are six children to share…feh! xxx j
Jill
June 26, 2010I look at it like this…if you can’t walk away from a marriage/relationship knowing you did everything to save it, with no animosity left inside of you, then you haven’t done the work that allows you to end the marriage in the first place. Do I believe that you are all four still in love with each other? No, but it could be said that relationships were started before others were finished. Not meaning affairs, or anything like that. But, if you can’t walk away without anger, animosity, etc., wishing them nothing but happiness, you weren’t finished. I think that the children in the relationship are being used as a reason to still have the animosity, when what should really be going on is the ADULTS being adults, the children being allowed to be children, and all of you working to do everything in the best interests of the children, because they don’t choose the lives we, as parents, subject them too. At this point, you all need to do some sort of joint family counseling and parenting classes, I think it would help the kids tremendously. And this is coming from someone who has been in your situation, and walked away from my marriage without the animosity and anger. It can be done, darlin, but you can’t undo the past now, just do everything in your power to make sure those kids have the best lives possible.
Family Affairs
June 26, 2010Thanks for the advice – I agree that the adults must take a reponsible view and do everything in their power to protect the children, but sorry, no way can I do anymore counselling. I’m all counselled out. And NO WAY could I do it all together as a group and EVEN MORE NO WAY would I ever get Builder Bloke to any form of counselling that doesn’t involve a pub and some mates. Lx
English Mum
June 26, 2010Think about when you were actually with your ex. I hope I’m not the only one who sometimes hates their other half so much they could happily strangle them (during a fierce argument, say, or when you feel they’ve really let you down). It’s such a fine line during a relationship, it must be completely blurred afterwards. x
Family Affairs
June 26, 2010Oh that’s true. It seems ok to love/hate them within the relationship and so not ok when you’re out of it. Lx
fab feisty and fifty
June 27, 2010Jill, how come you are s wise…your coment is amazing and speaks truths, l did know, l knew, innately perhaps…
I know l walked out after being dumped and shoved, and l’m not finished, nor ever will be, but l havent a choice…l too know l didnt do everything l couldve whillst together, but then who is perfect..
My son is fine with it all …yesterday l said l was sorry l coudltn fix it for everyone…and he replied, ‘but you did mum, we are living together apart from Dad and sis…thats how they wanted it….its done..’ ‘we will all be better for it..”
l see this and know it, but why do l feel l have lost a leg and my heart….he was a sod, and l thought for 35 yrs he was my sod….and my daughter had another 16 months with us before she me..or so l thought…
great stuff…this blog just gets better and better, wh needs counselling?
saz x
Family Affairs
June 27, 2010Thanks Saz and I’m glad my blog is providing a little bit of support in your hour of need. You are going through the worst possible stage – questioning everything, sad, angry – it is a nightmare. I know. I’ve been there – you remember how it all was for me but even back then you knew in your heart you had to go….it’s just such a hard decision. It WILL get better. Lxx