There appears to be a new healthy trend emerging on “pro-ageing” rather than “anti-ageing”. “Midlifers” seems to be the new term of choice and I’m happy with that. It makes us sound pretty cool and frankly real. It’s all very well saying “age is but a number” and “you’re only as old as you feel” and so on, but it’s always good to find a tribe or a niche that works best for you and this “midlifer” definition might just be it. With our new extended lives, midlife right now would more or less stand at 50, given how many of us are going to live until we are 100. What could be better for us “middle aged” women than to feel free to ditch the stereotypical gloomy options of either having to shuffle off to the sidelines in our nighties or the terrifying image of turning ourselves into so-not-youthful-desperate-looking plastic women. There is finally a third way, with new terminology that re-defines this time of our life with renewed acceptance and vigour. Hopefully it will now simply be a matter of time before brands stop using happy looking, but very old people, with grey hair and false teeth on windswept beaches to represent the “50-something” market. Much better than the awful “silver surfers”, SWOFTIES (single women over fifty) or “the grey pound” and of course this is mostly because it includes those in their 40’s too. Mimi Spencer wrote a very good article in the Times Magazine last week about the joy in ageing and suggests that “instead of panicking about a life half done, it pays to be adaptable, forgiving and capable of reinvention. It’s the half-time whistle, a time to regroup, embrace the changes and own your years, for now you are older and have peace of mind. Just don’t sneeze too hard.”
Being a “midlifer” sounds infinitely preferable to being “middle aged”. It has more zing, don’t you think? Midlife is very often seen as a crisis in which you realise that the view you are looking at from the top of your ladder is not the one you anticipated. All that effort in life and you were climbing up the wrong ladder with the view at the top not to your liking. How do you learn instead to embrace the view, despite what might have been thrown at you on the way up? Midlife can be a chance to sit back and enjoy what you’ve got. To begin to understand the way the world turns and learn to go with it. Letting go of the small stuff and learning how to ride the storms when you can’t avoid them. Learning how to embrace change is the key. None of us can escape heartbreak and pain, but it is how you deal with it that is the important thing. We must never give up the insatiable desire to learn new things or to take on the world where necessary, but once you learn how to sit back a little, you get to see the bigger picture.
Those of us with children have long been described as the “squeezed middle”, which makes us sound like we are all having a horrendous time dealing with demanding children and ageing parents. However, I find it helps to put a different spin on a difficult situation (aka lower your expectations). Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, why not embrace the slight chaos of this incredibly busy time and feel lucky that we still have children at home who want to hang out with us from time to time and parents who are still alive and kicking who we now more fully appreciate for all that they have done for us and can see them as real people. If nothing else, it helps to remember that we must set a fine example to our children, so that they don’t abandon us when we start to dribble and poo on the carpet.
This midlifer time can be so liberating for many reasons and although youth is indeed wasted on the young and many of us would love to get it back, that’s not going to happen. Yes, we happily wasted our youth, but the best thing we can do moving forward is not waste these middle years by regretting anything or fearing old age. Once you learn to stop comparing yourself to others or looking for approval you discover your core values and learn how to stick to them. You learn how to avoid being bullied, by realising that all along you had the answers you needed and you are able to give yourself the advice you need in order to follow the best route between your heart and your head. Gone are the days when you have to take advice from loads of different people before you make a decision. You can work it out all by yourself and realising that power counts for a huge amount.
I personally think that most of my friends look better now than they ever have done – but then I would say that. We are all old in the eyes of our children and that will never change. We thought our own parents were old, it’s the way of the world, so we have to stop worrying about the young crowd and get on with living our lives with grace and humour. OK it helps that our eyesight blurs conveniently around the edges at the age of 47 (apparently that is an actual thing) so that it takes our children to point out our physical faults along the lines of “OMG mum, you need to get your hair dyed/buy some tweezers/have a face lift” (delete accordingly).
So here are my top tips to help get this midlifer trend on a positive track:-
BE COMFORTABLE IN YOUR OWN SKIN
Learning how to enjoy your own company is very liberating. Sitting quietly enjoying the view has taken me half a century to learn but I realise that it gives you space and time that is very calming in our busy old world. Literally being comfortable in your own skin is something rarely achieved at the peak of our skin beauty. Remember your 20’s? Were you comfortable in your own skin? Unlikely – too damn self conscious. We can look at the gorgeous youth of day in horror at their inability to appreciate how extraordinarily beautiful they all are and wonder why we didn’t appreciate it either. We can remember the daily trauma of not feeling good enough, but now is the time to let it all go. Quite literally, flop it all out and tuck it all into expensive, well cut jeans. Then cover it up with a loose fitting top and move on.
At our age we have only two choices – face or bum? Lose too much weight at your peril – it is not good to be too skinny because the fat in your face disappears and wrinkles will multiply.
Be kind to your body, eat well, exercise gently (ie, walk, don’t run) and embrace the wrinkles – I like to think of my skin as being like having boyfriend jeans (without the boyfriend), just a more comfortable relaxed fit. It means we become invisible in the street and at parties. GREAT. No one will notice when you dance badly (except your children which is a good thing), eat all the crisps and drink all the wine.
CHILDREN
If you’re lucky enough to have children then I feel your pain. They might well be teenagers or young adults by now and you will have come to understand that little children = little problems, big children = big problems. They can be expensive, demanding and dangerous. Experimenting left, right and centre and literally giving you the grey hairs you then have to spend even more money dyeing. If you’re even more lucky, as you painfully move away a little to give them more space to grow and learn, you might even find they have become more akin to best friends – really amazing people to hang out with and you couldn’t imagine living in the world without them.
FAMILY
If you haven’t killed them all then this is a great time to enjoy family. Parents and siblings and all the children and extended families that come with getting older. Big, messy old parties. Lots to eat and drink – enough to forget what awful things you might have said in the heat of the moment the night before. These people are your safety net and you must do all in your power to keep them close and love them dearly.
FRIENDS
They are as important as family and become increasingly so at this age and stage as we all go through massive issues with our health, our children, our marriages, our lives in generally. They have literally been with your through births, deaths and marriages and I couldn’t live without the support of my friends. In times of adversity they are out in force making me laugh, wiping my tears and reminding me of all that I’ve got, rather than all that I haven’t got.
PARTNERS
Of course partners are highly significant and mucho respect to all of you who are still happy and in love with the person you’ve been through your 30’s and 40’s with. Congratulations if you’ve found someone new and made another, different life for yourself and possibly your children or indeed if you’re enjoying yourself dating. If I had one, I might have put them at the top of the list. But I don’t, so they’re not too relevant to my busy life right now. I am hopeful that this will change when the time is right, but at the moment, looking after my children, spending time with my family and friends, working and playing is enough to keep me happy and fulfilled. Being single at this stage of life is actually really very good if you make sure you keep busy and learn to enjoy your own company more.
CLOTHES
Don’t expect to save a fortune because we have stopped buying the latest “must have” items because we have to spend more on above mentioned well cut jeans. We at least have learnt to understand what suits us and what is comfortable. Whilst we will continue to make fashion faux pas we will not be forced to buy different sunglasses every season or wear bikinis if we don’t want to (and we mostly don’t want to). I am relaxed in the knowledge that my aviator sunglasses will dip in and out of fashion from one year to the next and one day in the not too distant future I will briefly be ahead of the game (for a season).
FLAT SHOES ARE IN FASHION!. This is totally brilliant for anyone with bunions. Wear your Converse and Adidas with pride and when they go out of season next summer, don’t give a shit.
Avoid changing rooms at all costs, especially ones that contain your beautiful daughter, inevitably leaping at the opportunity to “share” an item that clearly looks spectacular on them and tragic on you.
HAIR & MAKE UP
Body hair is a constant battle and worse when you are a single midlifer, so please pity me. If you have not had to change your partner since the ’80’s you may well be happily carrying around at least a kilo or so of body hair. You are very lucky. I would not like you to have to appreciate the decision making processes us single midlifer’s have to endure. Ditto moustache and beard.
Hair on your head? Hopefully by now we know what suits us, so we don’t have to do anything to drastic in the cutting stakes, but it helps to try and keep the styles fairly modern. As regards letting the grey hair through, I would suggest taking out a second mortgage in order to keep dyeing it for as long as possible. Hair dye is the greatest invention we have had since our mothers’ generation so embrace that. But don’t dye it pink yet. Wait until you’re in your 90’s.
Make up has to be expensive and I really can’t help here. I have no idea what I’m doing and need help. Every time I go to a department store and ask for them to apply it, they make me look like a transvestite.
Use suncream and moisturise A LOT.
Kiehls products are excellent.
TRAVEL
We are one of the most attractive demographics in travel. We spend more money apparently and stay away for longer (don’t tempt me). I am still desperate to explore the world, but right now holidays could not be more expensive with three children who all still expect to be paid for but who eat and drink more than I do. I haven’t got an answer as to what works best – watch this space.
LEARNING HOW TO SAY NO
This is a revelation. We can turn down events, parties and family gatherings because we finally understand that unless the circumstances are exceptional, nobody will give a shit whether we are there or not.
FOOD & DRINK
There are changes in our metabolism that we need to address. For example, I have recently become aware that copious vats of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc appear to give me cramp (dehydration per chance?) and am mulling over slowly, with a glass of wine, what I need to do about this. Certain vitamins and minerals can help reduce the risk of age related disease. Nevertheless times have changed and this is a time of opportunity rather than loss. There is a great new recipe book out that I have just bought after reading Mimi Spencer’s article called “The Midlife Kitchen” which will be hugely useful in helping guide us through the mire.
MUSIC
Embrace the new music that our children are listening to and never, ever say “music was much better in our day.” It will age you beyond anything else. Try to avoid being in a car with a teenager who only listens to grime rap and never try to ask them to explain the lyrics, or indeed what exactly grime rap is because you will be on a hiding to nothing.
EXERCISE
This is important but can be done enjoyably. Walking with girlfriends is best. Pilates is also good at this age and stage and as a teacher of Pilates, I can say this with some authority. It stops things aching and helps support the body from collapsing in on itself.
EMBRACE THE “OH FUCK IT” APPROACH
This is the best bit. Looking forward to embarrassing your children at all times and perhaps getting a tattoo or an additional piercing if it’s really going to infuriate your children. But wait until they’re old enough to see you as a tragic case, or they will use it as an excuse to get one themselves. Not that that worked for me. They went off and secretly got them anyway.
THE MENOPAUSE
Or in my case, the “men-o-pause”. We are lucky to be living in a time where there is a wealth of information to hand so we understand what it’s all about. This means we are armed and dangerous by choice. We can talk about it, learn about it and then decide whether HRT is for you or not. We no longer have to suffer alone. I can’t wait….
GENERAL OUTLOOK ON LIFE
You might look younger if you don’t smile, owing to the wrinkles around your eyes, but you will also look miserable. So I say, keep on smiling. Laughing in the face of adversity is the best medicine ever and as you get older, you will realise that humour can get you through almost everything.
