I am so with Nigella Lawson on this. Us modern mothers, she says, feel a “huge sense of failure” as we struggle to raise our children the “right” way. This is mainly because we are bombarded with “so much conflicting advice on child-rearing that it creates a constant sense of anxiety”. To be honest, if you throw a divorce into the mix then your feelings of self doubt can often be worse because you no longer have the support of a partner to help you get through the maze.
I have come back from my pilgrimage to spread my father’s ashes where he wanted to be left with huge guilt about missing my youngest son’s first week at his new school. The timing couldn’t have been worse – and whilst some people were of the opinion that I should have delayed my trip, that was not an option – my mother had paid for the whole trip and was ready to step in and look after my children. That was how much she wanted us all to follow his wishes. This was a monumental trip for us and one that was at least 9 months in planning with my two brothers who both have their own families to consider as well. So. I must try not to feel bad about not being here for his first week of school – he is happy! Yippee. Enjoyed his first week hugely, so hopefully didn’t notice my absence too much.
Nigella told the Radio Times: “I was really helped by a friend recently because I was thinking, ‘Oh, God, I’m not strict enough’… and this friend said to me, ‘Look, Nigella, you don’t choose whether to be a strict mother or not, you really are what you are. It’s not a decision.’” I agree with her on that too – we can’t all parent in the same way – and to be honest, I think our parents make us who we are as parents – even if it’s to do the opposite of how we were taught to behave.
The “family script” isn’t alway helpful she says – you don’t know as you bring your children up what effect your behaviour is going to ultimately have on them. But all we can do is the best we can – surely and ideally without judging others in the process.
So maybe we should all just relax a little more and take the Roseanne Barr school of thought which is:-
“I figure that if my children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job”.
Expat Mum
September 19, 2012I agree that parents should relax a little more but she doesn’t sound like she’s very relaxed if she’s spending every minute worrying about being a failure. Given that her children are in their late teens, she should have a fairly good idea of how she’s done by watching her children interact with others. If they are kind, considerate, generous and everything you’d want a person to be, then she’s done a good job. If they are mean little brats, then not so much.
Kelloggsville
September 19, 2012Alive! Well high 5 me, I’m a high achiever because sometimes mine is fed too.
Im currently doing a parenting course. I think this is a good thing.
Family Affairs
September 19, 2012ARE YOU??? Are you learning anything??? Do let me know when you’re planning to share Lx
Anna
October 11, 2012I find that women tend to be harsher judges of themselves when it comes to parenthood. Our own expectations of our performance are very high to begin with.
One thing it’s certainly true – being judged as a parent by other people, especially by partners, family or friends, whether fairly or unfairly, hurts like hell. It’s one of those things that sometimes one can’t help keep grudges about.
Family Affairs
October 11, 2012Well yes, criticism can be very hurtful when most of the time we are all trying to do our best x