It’s Friday night. My youngest son is now asleep upstairs. It’s quiet. Unusually so for my house. Teenage son is still away and probably at a tattoo parlour somewhere in the world and my daughter has gone to a party.
I am trying to find a space in my life to think and work some stuff out and make some decisions, but it’s virtually impossible. Nothing feels right at the moment. I am living in a war zone and can’t find any peace. It shouldn’t be like this. Lots of concerned friends have been advising me and trying to help sort out my “plight”. The advise couldn’t be more varied but I can’t seem to find a way to pull together the bits that are going to work for us all so that we can just get on with living.
I’ve had very little sleep this week owing to too much wondering and worrying. Perhaps because my blog voice has gone temporarily quiet and timid I’ve been writing notes through the night when awake. The sort of notes that at the time you think are EXTRAORDINARY. Little golden nuggets of thought. This morning, however, was a different matter.
I had written:
“Big muffs are it, like habitat”.
WTF was I talking about? Complete and utter rubbish.
Anyway, here are the top 10 things I’ve been advised to do this week:-
1. Fictionalise the blog.
2. Name and shame everybody concerned. Myself included.
3. Stand firm and do not lose faith in myself and belief in what I am doing.
4. Don’t lose your nerve, you are bigger than this.
5. You are doing others as well as yourself a service.
6. Split up with Builder Bloke (again).
7. Delete the blog.
8. Sell up and move away from everybody involved except my children.
9. Leave the country.
10.Get drunk.
So apart from Number 10, I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. Number 2, the name and shame option was given to me by a lawyer, but I think that’s silly advise. Extreme and unnecessary and not at all why I am bothering to write a blog in the first place.
I wish my father was still here. He’d tell me what to do.
I mistakenly asked my brother for advise in lieu of my father. He replied “to be honest, I really don’t know what you should do, but you’re right, your blog is really very dull at the moment – sorry”.
FUCK.
HELP.
DROWNING.
It’s not just about the blog. It’s about my situation. The adults are all fighting. Which is SO bad for all the children. It’s not healthy. We should all be able to find peace in our lives without this constant four way drama. To my mind, at the moment it mostly seems to come down to money. Does everything ultimately come down to money?
“If someone says, it’s not the money, it’s the principle, it’s the money” said Kin Hubbard. Is that true? Is money the root of all evil? Or is “the lack of money the root of all evil” as Mark Twain said (didn’t he say a lot of clever things?).
MAINTENANCE.
It is this that appears to be causing the main problem at the moment. I can see both sides. I feel sorry for my ex husband because not only does he have to pay me maintenance for our children but he has to support his new wife and her three children. I also feel sorry for Builder Bloke because he doesn’t have any work. He can’t pay to support his children which is not a good thing. He doesn’t like the fact that his children are supported by my ex husband, but he can’t even pay to keep his phone regularly on at the moment, so there’s not much he can do about it. The extremes in our situation are causing gaskets to blow, left, right and centre. Maintenance is being used as a power tool and it’s a shame.
Are there any solutions I wonder?
Any suggestions gratefully received.
And my thought for the day taken from my Buddhist Offerings book is entirely relevant to all involved:-
“We really don’t want to stay with the nakedness of our present experience.
It goes against the grain to stay present. There are times when only gentleness and a sense of humour can give us the strength to settle down”.
Becky
July 16, 2011Hugs to start with xxx
You need an outlet for all of this or you will explode.
Family Affairs
July 16, 2011I KNOW!! Thats what my blog was for all that time, but for a minute, it’s not providing me with that because I am feeling censored. Hopefully I can find a solution X
Lynda
July 16, 2011I’m still reading the blog and I don’t think it is dull, although I did enjoy all the stuff about BB’s ex.(I still think she sounds like a manipulative cow). I enjoy all the bits about the theatre, concerts – and tatooing.
I don’t know anything about maintenance in England but if it is like here it all ends when the youngest child finishes the HSC. I don’t think you can get money for them while at Uni unless the ex agrees.My sister certainly hasn’t.If it is the same in England,and despite all the carry on, you still need to think about your financial future, post maintenance. I agree with Mark Twain or whoever- money mightn’t make you happy but the lack of it sure can, so I really feel for Builder Bloke but not so much for your ex. He knew what he was getting into and he has a job.
mrs worthington
July 16, 2011I can relate to what you are going through. I would write a draft post but not publish it, which helps. There are times when blogging is the last thing you want to so announce you are having a blog holiday *blogiday even. Money, if you need more of it and you are not working the answer is right there. It’s only temporary solution. I’m thinking about getting a part time job too as my ends aren’t meeting. You do what you have to. Looking forward to eventually reading about Big cuffs, sounds hilarious
auntiegwen
July 16, 2011I have written and deleted about 4 different versions of advice, I’m not helping, want some of my gin? xxx
Family Affairs
July 16, 2011Yes please xx
Eclipse
July 16, 2011I wish I could help, but it seems everyone has said everything I might want to say. There are no easy answers apart from number 10, which is a temporary solution. Unfortunately money or the children always gets used as a weapon. When my dad was made redundant and couldn’t pay maintenance my mum would harangue him through the CSA or take him back to court, to demand changes to his access or money, which would inevitably cost him more more. Sometimes just to spite him, she wouldn’t turn up at the arranged meeting place so we could have our few days with him. Sometimes she would even take us away, so he would drive for 3 hours to come and pick us up and then find an empty car park (it was a car park because she would never let him near the house). In the end I was so fed up with the way things were (I was only 12 but it had been going on for 8 years), I chose to live with him. Was the best decision I ever made, but cost me my relationship with her for many years. I know your situation must be a nightmare, however just make sure that your kids never feel like they have to choose between the two of you.
Family Affairs
July 16, 2011SUCH useful advice. Poor you for having to go through all that – I hope my situation doesn’t bring back awful memories. It just goes to show how much money Vs Children is used as a power weapon – each others only means of control. It isn’t the solution though as ultimately the children suffer. Lx
Kelloggsville
July 16, 2011Advise…hmmmm…you have to walk a mile in another mans moccasins to be able to understand and only from true understanding comes valid advice. My divorce, remarriage and maintenance are all very different. My first thoughts are you and BB need to increase your incomes somehow. You should stay together for love but separate if there is none. (but my love for hubby often ebbs and flows so you can’t even judge that on how it feels ‘today’). The blog? I think everyone should take a bite of perspective. I have read your blog for years, I enjoy it, I would support you in real life if you needed it BUT I have no idea really who you all are, even with odd photos you are all as faceless as the families I see in the supermarket. None of us are so important that it matters that much. This blog does not ‘expose’ anyone, they should look at it from a ‘non attendees’ position and get over it. Write if you need to write. X
Family Affairs
July 17, 2011Thanks K x
Susannahs
July 19, 2011Has BB looked into any other kind of work temporarily? Right now my stepfather is working the midnight shift at a 24-hour store because the unemployment rate over here is ridiculously high and jobs just aren’t out there. It’s not what he’s trained to do, it’s certainly not what he wants to do, but it’s what he feels he has to do until things get better because it was the only offer he received after weeks of job hunting. It sucks, but it is what it is.
Family Affairs
July 19, 2011Yes, it’s very difficult times and you’re right, he needs to start looking at other options soon Lx