I am trying to make sense of my new life change and whether I’m going to be single for the rest of my life. Another ending means a new phase of life. For me – a less chaotic, more “in control” one. Something I don’t think I’ve experienced before. Normally I spend my time running through life at a pace trying to catch the next wave. Now I’m just sitting on the beach, observing. It’s a challenge. This sitting still thing. Not what I’m used to at all….
I was 25 I got married. Some would argue that we were too young. I was the youngest of all my friends and they were all a little bit surprised. I think they thought it might affect my career, but I didn’t care. I had a high flying job then. Marketing and Promotions Manager for EMI music International Department which meant lots of travel to exotic destinations with the likes of Duran Duran and The Pet Shop Boys. I was in heaven. Great job. In love with an intelligent, capable, kind, loyal, good looking man and it felt like completely the right thing to do. I had no doubts whatsoever.
A year after we got married, I willingly gave up my job and we relocated to Australia where we lived for three years. I worked for the first year and then fell pregnant with Baby Number One. Happy times.
Baby Number Two and Three arrived back in the UK some years later. By then I had been out of the job market for an exceptionally long time and whilst I loved my time at home with the children, the perspective you have on life changes dramatically. I have always loved being a mother – unbelievably hard though it is and I certainly don’t profess to be very good at it – we muddled through and still do. But school playgrounds and nursery groups don’t do much for your global thought processes. All I wanted was for my children to be happy and safe. I threw myself into that job with great gusto. I put frozen mixed vegetable gloop into ice cubes for goodness sake. You don’t get more committed than that.
However, at some point, in amongst all the busyness and miscommunication it all went wrong. We took our eye off the bigger picture. Big house. Big pressures. Big blow up. After several years of desperately trying to glue it all back together I came to the conclusion that it was broken beyond repair. We had lost everything that we had built up together. Trust and respect. We were both battered and bruised and unable to sympathise with each other so the question of whether we were about to make the biggest mistake of our lives was not a consideration. Such an immensely sad situation, but after 15 years of marriage that is where I found myself.
The period that followed the initial decline of our marriage was awful. Being on my own was simply not an option I could cope with. I was utterly devastated, barely ate, lost two stone, sobbed all the time, smoked, drank, went out with a virtual sticker on my head saying “Love me, I’m vulnerable” and very nearly fell apart. I was terrified of life beyond the walls of my marriage. My safe cloak of respectability and security. I had forgotten how to be an individual. Had lost my own voice amongst all the mothering and soft furnishings and had no idea how to start again. I had always been crap on my own, moving from one boyfriend to another with just days (if that) in between, prior to marriage so the aim was to meet someone else as quickly as possible and start a new phase of “we”. I remember wailing one day with my father and saying “I just don’t want end up like my Grandmother – all alone” and he reassured me that that would never happen. It was inconceivable.
So here I am. A number of years down the line now. With the inconceivable, being entirely conceivable moving forward. My children, my family, my friends, a very significant other and indeed my blog saved me and made me feel loved and whole again, although it has all certainly taken time. I’ve been divorced six years now. Today I am not young enough to start again, but I have three amazing children who I am immensely proud of – I just hope that we haven’t messed up their lives too dramatically in making the decisions we made. Only time will tell.
A very cryptic post recently gave some indication of yet more decisions. Last year I got a job!!! Unbelievable I know. But I was very proud. I’m working part time which is perfect for me at the moment, as I have the flexibility to be around for the children on certain days or for school events. This change has meant that I have very little time for anything else, least of all a grown up relationship. Attending to my children, working, running a household (albeit very haphazardly – I’d hardly call it “running” a household, more like “limping” a household) I have changed my priorities. I don’t want to be focusing on what happens to me next. I want to focus on other things. I want a calm household with no distractions. I have chosen to be single. Both for my children’s sake and for my own.
The difference is that this time, making that decision has been easier in some ways because I don’t believe I was able to offer enough to the relationship and so now I find I have the space that I have never had before to find a little bit of peace. I have come to the long, slow acceptance that being alone is not the end of the world. When I told my son that I had split up with my boyfriend he told me that I was too old to start again, that he was the best I was ever going to get and that it was sad to think that I’d be on my own for the remainder of my life (thanks for that). I get what he means, because I too thought the same thing, but as I get older, being in a relationship, lovely though it is in many ways is not the be all and end all of what I now want for my life – I told him that I didn’t feel the need to be defined by being in a relationship and wanted to be on my own (how grown up is that? Although lets face it when you live with your children you are very rarely actually alone). That it was something I actually needed to do. I am lucky to be living in a world that accepts single parents (even if the Conservatives still want to highlight the benefits of being married) and today over 40% of children are born to single mothers.
I am trying to stop forward planning my life quite so much and to just try and live one day at a time, in the present, not waiting for something round the corner so that I can focus on my priorities – my children. Being single is the way a lot of people choose to live today and our pre-conceived ideas of what is “normal” is changing every day. I have a lot of single female friends now – some divorced, some separated, some doing their own thing under the same roof, some with much younger boyfriends, some who have already remarried and frankly, if Jemima Khan can go out with Russell Brand, then anything can happen.
So there we are. A brief summary of where I sort of am. A little bit wobbly but most certainly a whole lot stronger than I was when I had to pick myself up from the gutter and dust myself off after my marriage. I have a lot of people to thank for getting me out of that place – you all know who you are.
Be warned though – having more time = more blog posts about life.
For the next phase I’m going to re-name the blog “No Sex In The City” and take it from there. Yup, maybe it’s a little bit dull, but I feel the need to spend time with my children and concentrate on my job and my interests and that is a total first for me. I may well live to regret the decision, but as I said in my last blog post, it’s my decision and that must count for something.
Expat Mum
September 25, 2013Oh rubbish – this doesn’t mean you’ll be alone and single for the rest of your life. You just need some breathing space right now. xx
Family Affairs
September 25, 2013ha ha – love you and your matter of fact style of life!! Not sure how they cope with you in the US??!! xx
Anna
September 26, 2013One of the best traits of your writing is your sincerity. It’s been a pleasure following the blog for how many years now??? That’s stability for you:)
Family Affairs
September 27, 2013Aaaah. Thanks hun. Lovely of you to say so. Lx
Emma white
September 26, 2013No one will be single for ever unless thee choose to be
Family Affairs
September 27, 2013Well that is sort of my point – maybe I will choose that because frankly “settling” is not really very appealing an option anymore but that’s because I’m choosing to ignore the lovely bits about being in a relationshipLx
janelle
September 26, 2013i’m with expat mum….anyway. you ROCK. always have. it’s you who made me start blogging. i remember moving into the spare room to be closer to the loo with some hideous tummy bug and finding your blog and reading it right from the beginning to the end….when you were going to win some bloggie award thingy and you were telling everyone to vote for you…and then you suddenly told us all to stop because if you won you’d have to go with a brown paper bag over your head so the ex wouldn’t know…! oh you made me laugh. you still do. you’re wonderful. keep on keepin’ on lovely you! you’ll see! xxx janelle
Family Affairs
September 27, 2013I so remember getting that first message from you – all ill with a tummy bug….how long ago was that now and what a lot has happened to both of us in between – we need to meet up one day….soon and compare notes in the same room. Lx
Nicola
September 26, 2013Friend of my mom – married to a man she thought was wonderful to discover after 2 decades and as many children that he wasn’t. She remarried some years later and that too ended in divorce. Then – a chance meet up with an old flame… she now lives with him on some island in the Pacific ocean. She’s in her late 50’s. Life’s interesting that way – you just never know what the future holds and there really isn’t any telling. xx
Family Affairs
September 27, 2013True – I guess – but I know all my old flames – wouldn’t want to be on an island in the Pacific ocean with any of them…Lx
Kate Sutton (WitWitWoo)
September 27, 2013i can pretty much relate to everything you wrote, especially “I want a calm household with no distractions. I have chosen to be single. Both for my children’s sake and for my own.”
You are not alone. Even if you feel alone. (Yes, it’s still possible to feel very alone even surrounded by kids all the time!) I just think when you get to ‘our age’ our priorities change. Dating is fun. Blogging about dating is fun! But what’s more fun is not having that churning feeling in my stomach knowing I’m going home to a dysfunctional relationship. Being able to do what I want is WAY more fun!
x
Family Affairs
September 27, 2013I agree with that. I’m slightly done with the churning for a minute – got off the rollercoaster and sitting on the boring old roundabout. It’s less stressful. Lx
Tara
September 27, 2013Hmm. Having met you there is no way you’re going to stay single for the rest of your life. For the rest of the time you feel like remaining single maybe.
Do you not know what a catch you are?!
Family Affairs
September 27, 2013aaah – thanks. But no. But anyway – lovely of you to say so….for the moment it’s what I want x
auntiegwen
September 27, 2013My marriage ended back in 2006 when I was 40, leaving me with 3 children, just like you. I wish you every good thing for your future. I think you have to find the YOU again, and when you do, you find your own happiness, with or without a partner xxx
Family Affairs
September 27, 2013Thank you darling and to you – we’ve followed each others paths – it’s not been easy, but think you’re right about finding time to just be….Lx
Family Affairs
September 30, 2013Also, you’ve found happiness again now – and already remarried!! Aaaagh – pressure. X
auntiegwen
October 22, 2013Lu – didn’t ever think I would but you never know what’s around the corner xx
Family Affairs
October 24, 2013I know – you are so right – thanks…
Katerina
October 30, 2013There was a time, when I wanted to have a blog:”No Sex in the City”…honestly and after being single for 7 years I got married within several months…So you just never know what awaits for you behind that corner…!!!However, I am so agree that you do not need another individual to define who you are!
Family Affairs
October 30, 2013That is reassuring news – thanks Lx