I had a meeting in town yesterday morning. On the way back, the bus drove past the road where my husband lived for two years post his affair.
When I drove past it yesterday my heart sank to my feet and I felt a huge wrench of misery for us all. I thought about what it must have been like for him to have been removed from his family. I thought about the potency of loneliness. I thought about what steps you have to make on the long path to forgiveness and how it opens up other painful boxes to deal with along the way…..
When he lived there, in exile I was so angry and bitter and hurt that I couldn’t begin to empathise with his situation. I didn’t have enough space left in my heart to worry about how he was. I was too worried about my children and our broken lives and how I was going to cope. He did not understand this at all. He was shocked that I didn’t want to see it or visit him there.
Sad. Sad. Sad.
He still lives without his children. The silence must be deafening.
Nicola
January 30, 2009I am so sorry that you had to go through that – what an incredibly painful situation. My stomach tightened and clenched even as a complete stranger reading it. And isn’t it strange how time causes your perspective to change and be able to see the other person’s circumstances and feel empathy? There are so many times over the past 2 years that I have felt ‘serves him right’ and ‘it’s his fault and he deserves it’. But my heart still goes out to my ex who hardly ever gets to wake up with the kids and doesn’t go to sleep at night knowing that they are tucked up safe and sound in the room next door. Our situation is a lot different. He didn’t cheat. There isn’t really any acrimony. But the sad fact is that he only wanted to be part of the family to stay with the kids. He didn’t want to be married to me. So now he is living alone in his bachelor pad – and it is just sad, sad, sad.
Thank you for writing such a poignant piece.
Chris
January 30, 2009How sad it is when you realise whats been lost by someones deceit. It also shows that it doesnt matter how long a time elapses we have children and we are JOINED forever. A song, a film, a road brings it all back. Its no good being sad for him, he made his choices then. You cant turn back the clock and when you feel down remember what you have compared to him. THATS what makes him behave like he does regret is a very hard pill to swallow
Katherine
January 30, 2009Thought-provoking post. I’m still thinking. My ex and his ‘rejection’ of our kids because, I think now, he missed them so much. But only lived 3/4 hour away, and didn’t have the motivation to ask to see them more often. Then three years later he married a woman who edged them from every other weekend to once a month, to moving to the South Island and half of each school holiday, to (current state) once a year, for a few days, if THEY ask.
Oh, and vasectomy reversal and two new little boys….
The choices we make.
And I’M the one who feels the guilt. Ha. More numb after 15 years, but I still feel guilty. And bitter.
But for 99.9% of the time (as you can read in my blog which never mentions any of this) I focus on the positive and the great things in life.
Thanks for reminding me that I don’t always have to be a Polyanna. 🙂
Delwyn
January 30, 2009This is a sad, sad blog. And I am concerned that your emphasis is on his feelings rather than your own….
But I wish you the best on the walk you have to walk through to get to the other side.
notSupermum
January 31, 2009Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a message, so thought i would check yours out….so glad I did. God, what is it about absent fathers and their children? If I was separated from my girls I would be desperate to see them…why doesn’t it work like that for the dads?
notSupermum
January 31, 2009Btw, there’s an award for you on my blog! Hope you like it.
family affairs
January 31, 2009Thanks Nicola for talking about your experience. Yes, I guess a lot of men love the idea of the bachelor pad (tempting sometimes), but they do really miss out on not saying goodnight to them. Although my husband was never actually home in time to see them before they went to sleep. Lx
family affairs
January 31, 2009I think you’re right Chris. I think he’s very bitter because he’s got so many regrets (even if according to him they are all my fault!) Lx
Thanks for leaving a comment Katherine – that must have been very hard for you and the kids and what a shame that he sees the kids so rarely….Lx
Thank you for your comment Delwyn and yes it is a sad blog and I was focusing on his feelings, but that is for 99% of my blog I focus on my own and the children’s – thx for your good wishes Lx
Thx so much notsupermum for popping in and giving me an award! Brilliant Lx
Janelle
January 31, 2009ouf. sad one. what are men like? why do they all seem to do the same thing re: the kids and moving on…?its extraordinary and incomprehensible…big hug lulu. xx j (ps recovering from an All Nighter…oh oh oh)
family affairs
January 31, 2009I know Janelle, but to be honest, I don’t think my ex has moved on very much at all – an all – nighter??? I’m impressed Lx
Anonymous
February 1, 2009The potency if lonliness…the potency of your blog! Strong moving stuff. It is still so painful now to read however many years on. Excellent writing .
karen
February 1, 2009hi, came on over here from Janelle's blog. Sad to hear of your experience… very thought provoking. I'm a second wife & stepmom, myself… completely different circs to you, but the heartache & disbelief of that first marriage breakdown and loss of the daily life with the kids has been there all along…even tho the kids are almost grown up now! I feel for all parties in this type of situation so much…
family affairs
February 1, 2009Thank you Karen and good to meet you! Yes think all parties really do suffer don’t they? Still, good to know there is life beyond! Lx
Thanks anon for your kind words Lx
Bush Mummy
February 1, 2009I’ve got a big lump in my throat. That is a truly powerful post. But I am with you on gut instinct and have huge admiration for you for kicking him out. You have kept your self respect intact – no one deserves to be treated like that and sadly, he ended up being the loser.
You are an amazing woman.
BM x
family affairs
February 1, 2009Thank you BM!! I think gut instinct is far more important than we tend to give it credit for these days Lx ps I am so NOT an amazing woman – I just did what I had to do to survive and build a new life and I’m just doing what huge numbers of other women (and men) have had to do in the world Lx
Expat mum
February 1, 2009I find it incredible that some men make decisions like your ex has done, and still manage to make out that the wife was at fault for not getting over it. I thinnk I’ve told you about my friend whose husband began an affair after 20 years – with a girl half his age, who’s now just had a baby. My friend finally divorced him and he’s still talking about coming back! They live in a parallel universe!
family affairs
February 1, 2009Your poor friend, Ex M – do you think it’s got to do with a lack of emotional intelligence? Or is that harsh?
Lx
Mum's the word
February 2, 2009I felt so sad after reading The Potency of Loneliness. It reminded me a lot of things I’d felt over the last 3 1/2 years. When I got divorced my ex signed a paper giving me legal permission to bring my daughter home to London. My home. I felt broken but was concerned that my daughter should have routine, comfort and security in her young life. We would have long distance arguments, where he would scream that she was his number one priority. He was with someone new less then 2 months after the divorce, 4 months later she’d moved in, a year later they’re married and last year they had a baby.
Life goes on.
I feel thankful that I was able to come home to London to mend and heal with my family.
But it’s been a hard road.
Be strong.
Be true to yourself.
x jo