I am going to call our bizarre situation “Umbilical Discord”. Because it seems very sad to me that four adults who have found themselves inextricably linked – who have been through many pregnancies and births together, albeit with the opposite partner, should now find themselves at war.
Builder Bloke was married to his wife for 15 years and they produced three gorgeous children. They were happy once. I know they were. I was married to my husband for the same amount of time – we were also happy and we too produced three lovely children. Both sets of marriages dissolved almost exactly three years ago. The reason(s) for the breakdown of each marriage were very different and we each harbour deep resentments and blame as a result, but surely by now you would think that everybody should have begun to move on? To accept the differences between us all and live and let live? Doesn’t everybody deserve a second chance of happiness? The person we divorced might not be the same person with their new partner (lets hope not anyway).
Of course when couples divorce they are likely to have intense negative feelings towards their partner. When and if you meet somebody else it is entirely reasonable that they absorb your side of the story – all the bad stuff. SO, imagine if you then double that scenario by adding the missing “other” couple? – it is a recipe for disaster. Suddenly we have all become huge monsters in the eyes of, well half the equation.
However, Builder Bloke’s ex wife is marrying my ex husband in less than a month. They are embarking on a new life. They have a new house. It should all be great. Why waste energy on the past? Why all the explosions? Surely they would like to start afresh in peace?
I have chosen to walk right back into the thick of it. A friend observed that by going back to BB I was taking the path of least resistance….I’m not sure about that – it is a strange and complicated situation. It has become a lot more simple now that I have got my priorities in order and there is an additional strength to be found in that, but still it’s messy.
However, above it all we must remember that there are children involved. We all failed the first time around and I presume that none of us would want to fail again. We all love the six children involved and if they are each (hopefully successfully) managing to negotiate the stormy weather with dignity and calm then we should all learn from them. At the moment they are proving to be more mature than some of the adults.
Where is the truce?
fab feisty and fifty
June 7, 2010truce??? ho hum…no idea where it is..l have reached out and asked Larry to meet me for a coffee and chat…NADA …no reply….
l want to live in no mans land and have some contact….even though l know the pull to him will be hard…even though he has rejected me…l dont want to fuel the resentments, the anger, because it makes me less than l am….l need some energy to live…for me…as that is all l will be at the end of this ordeal…me, myself, I
l am so happy for you Lu and BB…l only hope your motivation wasnt in any part a bit of the loneliness of alone and the vision inside of ‘their’ happiness…cos l’m sure it would have been a little bit for me..
luv saz x
Family Affairs
June 7, 2010It’s SO difficult to rise above all the shit isn’t it?
You have a valid point Saz and I have thought about that, but no, my 3 month break from him made me realise it wasn’t about them and their happiness…..it was a concern at the beginning, but then I found time to rethink and I wasn’t lonely in that time, far from it. Lx
Karin
June 7, 2010I’m having trouble understanding why they would care what you and BB do – unless their whole relationship has the sole point of sabotaging the two of you. It’s likely it started off that way, but you’d hope there’s more to it at this point. Sabotage probably isn’t the soundest foundation for a marriage. It’s pretty pitiful, really.
Are you worried that it all can be used against you somehow in your upcoming support battle, though?
Family Affairs
June 7, 2010Yes, it is all quite a worry – especially their views on BB. Hoping that any court is only interested in the best interests for the kids. Not the unnecessary detail. Lx
Jon Storey
June 7, 2010It seems a great credit to you four adults that you are now able to look to your children for a sense of maturity. You may have all failed each other in some way or other but you appear to have done a good job on the kids!
The fighting should be over now, it is a great sadness that one of the parties involved cannot move on and enjoy his future life on peace if not a little harmony….
Of course I am not privy to the details but that’s the way it looks from here.
spiny marshmallows
June 7, 2010Good for you – I dont know the details but it sounds like lots of grown up wisdom going on over there – thanks to all our super children who teach us so much
English Mum
June 7, 2010So wait – who’s causing the trouble? Is it the ex or BB’s ex or a combination of the two?
Family Affairs
June 7, 2010A combination of the two – lethal Lx
Sarah in deepest, darkest Lomellina
June 7, 2010Well they weren’t going to love that pairing up love.
At it’s most basic and uncomplicated level the two of you in the “opposing” team together makes you both less vulnerable to power struggles that follow divorce compared to if you were going it alone as individuals.
Information is power and together you can fill in gaps for the other which puts the other couple’s nose out of joint. You and builder bloke as individuals could only ever have known only so much about their history and dynamic as a couple. Together you get a fuller picture and I think that makes the exes really rather uncomfortable.
Sit it out, be as dignified as you can and just wait till the waters are less choppy. It will stop or settle down to very little, takes to much energy to keep the drama up at gale force nine in the longer term.
Family Affairs
June 7, 2010I completely agree – that was how I felt when they got together in the first place when I’d been seeing BB for over a year. It caused so much agony that I split up with him. I simply couldn’t cope. Now, I think we’re all in a similar situation. Maybe that will lead to more understanding. Lx
louise
June 8, 2010Hum … as Sarah says, sounds as though the X’s are a little frightened – serves them right!!
And if this all works out, the four of you will probably be spending lots of quality time together for birthdays, Christmas etc. LOL!
Family Affairs
June 8, 2010What an awful thought Lx
Amanda
June 10, 2010wow – didn’t realize your ex is marrying your current love’s ex…..yikes. can’t even imagine that, the possibilities for discord are exponential it would seem – but then you seem to be the rock of gibraltar in all of this–
are you going to the wedding after all?
Family Affairs
June 10, 2010Still waiting for my invite. Must have got lost in the post! Lx