BIG BUMS ET AL

I have an hour to dump some thoughts on the page. A rare occassion and “Oh YAY” I hear the two of you who are actually going to pop over for more than 0.05 of a second because you aren’t just looking for a post about big arses like most other accidental readers are who merely and very unfortunately got drawn to some keyword or other that I had inadvertently mentioned…but I’ll put my thoughts under sub-sections so you can avoid any that you find offensive. So in no particular order of randomness I thought I’d do a quick update:-

BIG BUMS
On that note however, (just because I’ve made it clear from the start that this may well be a long and winding ramble through my very confused brain) – just a brief mention about big arses, because (not only do I get way more hits and if you don’t believe me – maybe I’ll call the post that and then show you the peak I get in a few days time on Google Analytics) I do find it interesting that I understand Spanks are no longer doing very well selling those big pants we all used to wear back in the day to ensure that our stomachs were lifted so far in and up that they oozed out just under our bras and our butt cheeks were as uplifted and squeezed in as possible, making it impossible to breathe, let alone have a wee. That was when, if we actually asked the question out loud “Does My Bum Look Big In This?” and someone standing anywhere near you said “yes”…they would die a painful death or at least never be spoken to or be allowed to have sex with you ever, ever again. NOW though, imagine how hard it is to deal with the fact that if you say “no” the same thing might happen. Because the female bum ((thanks Kim) is supposed to be big these days. It’s such a shame – my life could have been so different if I’d have ever been allowed to love my big arse. How many step classes would that have saved me? NOW Spanks are selling pants with padding in to make them look bigger. Sigh.

DAVID CAMERON
Moving swiftly on from Big Arses…is David Cameron seriously going to get away with Piggate? I can’t take him seriously anymore, and imagine if a photograph actually did emerge of him sticking his bits into a dead pigs mouth. I assume he’s fairly confident one doesn’t exist or he’d surely have never dared run for the role of running the country? I certainly wouldn’t have. I have listened to a few different debates about this. Someone I talked to thinks it’s perfectly normal to behave like that if you are part of that sorority club (or whatever we call the privileged twats in the UK who think it’s OK to behave badly just because they are part of some “Gentleman’s” club). I think watch this space before it re-emerges…

EDWARD SNOWDEN
Have you noticed that he’s joined Twitter? He has already amassed 1.5m followers and he is only following one – The NSA. I bet they’re a bit scared. His byline says “I used to work for the government. Now I work for the public”. This week he announced that the government can access all our phones – can even turn on our speakers from our pockets to hear what is going on around us without us knowing. I told my children this in the hope that they fear their mother can do the same thing any time she’s worried about who they are hanging out with or what they are saying. Not sure they’re convinced.

BURGLARS
They are having an absolute field day in cities all over the country where shiny new students are shacking up together with all their shiny new equipment. I have heard of more than five different burglaries – three in houses where my daughter lives where they steal up to eight laptops and phones. Shits. Students should be warned about this and police should be targeting these houses as it’s unacceptable and frankly mean.

BOYFRIEND
I haven’t got one. Haven’t had one for a year now. I think my children are beginning to worry. Actually so am I. So are my friends. So is my family. They think I should get on the internet. Really? After all that happened with Ashley Maddison? I don’t think so. Instead I am going to get another cat and turn into mad, smelly cat lady covered in hair that I can pretend is cat hair, but actually it belongs to me. But the good thing about not having a boyfriend is you can grow your hair to your little heart’s content and nobody cares. Except maybe swimming pools and plug holes.

These two messages pretty much say it all:-

As opposed to “If you love someone, set them free and if they come back it means nobody else wanted them so set them free again”.

OLDEST SON
SO happy. Moved back in with me now that he’s finished his degree (although that’s not the bit that’s making him happy). He’s working for the rugby world cup and busy with a very enterprising entreprenerial idea that I will tell you all about when I’ve learnt how to spell the word.

MIDDLE DAUGHTER
Apparently she has got Bronchitis – which is a fairly typical fall-out of over-endulgence during Fresher’s week I suspect and I hope she reigns it all in a bit and looks after herself. She’s very happy apart from that being back at uni and living with seven other girlfriends who all so far still have their laptops.

YOUNGEST SON
Can you actually make a child work? Literally tie him to a chair and force him to read stuff? It’s not working so far. I am waiting for the lightbulb moment to arrive whereby he wakes up one morning going “FUCK!!” I’ve got my GCSE’s in a few months and I don’t know anything!”. Then I’m not sure what we do. Stuff little bits of note paper with the answers on up his nose and in his mouth and hope he absorbs some of it in a hurry. He couldn’t be more laid back, meanwhile my nose bleeds every time I try to suggest he sit down and do some work because I’m trying to say it in a calm way and my body is responding in an excess stress way.

FAMILY
Love them. My mother has moved and still living out of boxes. I am helping where I can but every single box houses yet another million trinkets and all the trinket space on top of the desk, tables, in the kitchen cupboards, in all the drawers, on the carpet, in the bath, is already taken up so I don’t know what to do next.

FRIENDS
Love them. They have collectively got me through the last year – which by the way was meant to be “My Best Year Yet” because I’ve read the book and took notes. I wrote things down and made plans. None of the plans have come to fruition, in fact most of them have wandered off in the wrong direction. What am I supposed to do about that? I am going to write a book called “My Worst Year Yet” and will fill it with alternative words of wisdom like:-

– Don’t bother to make plans because they don’t work out. Always have a plan B or a new list of Top 10 plans on a regular basis
– Try not to stress about your children – as long as they are happy then you couldn’t ask for more and don’t forget that their ideas of happiness are generally very different from your own
– Drink loads to get through it
– Try not to smoke or eat too much – vape.
– One friend in particular keeps telling me I need a new hobby but I can’t decide what that should be..Poker? Learning all the Capitals of the world? Rowing?
– Just work out what and who your anchors are and hold on to those. Mine are my children – especially my youngest who needs me at home to have nose bleeds and cook revolting food whilst trying not to sneakily open a book at the same time. Once you’ve worked out your priorities then all is good. I wonder if I can get away with doing to do his GCSE’s for him – all I need now is a face lift.
– It’s not what you say to people that matters, it’s how they respond that’s important

ANYWAY, so you see? I told you this was going to be random.

My hour is up you will be pleased to note.

oh yes, one more thing

TRAVEL
There has been much travelling going on this year and I have loved that. Especially Singapore which I haven’t told you about yet. That was just with my children and was amazing. So perhaps, once all my children have left home I shall become a nomad and write a different sort of book.

and one more…

ON BEING FIFTY
So far so bad. Rubbish. I feel old. I have no advice for how to live gracefully in your second half of life. Bits of me are falling apart and hair dye is taking over my monthly budget (now that I’ve got so much of it). I do not feel wise or accepting of the world order. I do not have nice feet and my shoulder hurts. So does my back and my knees and one finger.

But hey, as my mother says “what is the alternative?”. She also says “you can’t fart against thunder”…and she’s right – and that’s another very good reason why not having a boyfriend works quite well to be honest.

and just one more:-

EXERCISE
Lots of walking is good (at my age) and keeping me happy and sane. What’s not to get inspired about when you have these views to look at:-

Although the stags in Richmond park are terrifying and Jurassic at the moment, so not too relaxing as they bark their way around October trying to find a mate. I feel sorry for the girls:-

If you have actually made it to the bottom of this post then I love you very, very much and I’m going to buy you a drink. Just please let me know where you want to meet.