My blog was meant to be about a woman coping after divorce. But sometimes I feel as if I am not coping and then I feel bad because having to read about miserable people isn’t much fun and I shouldn’t be bothering you with my problems.
I was fine until a girlfriend rang me this morning and asked how I was. “I’m fine”. I replied. She didn’t believe me. She told me that it was OK to feel miserable. That what I’m going through is hard and that I should think of myself as having “mental flu” and not beat myself about things and that I shouldn’t be worried about falling apart. So. That made me cry. I told her that I was struggling with how hard it can be to be on my own and that I was thinking about how much better I would be if I was back in my old married life. “You can’t think like that. She told me that part of my recuperation process had to be me feeling happy, content and calm on my own. Not feeling the desire to have somebody (anybody) around. I’m getting there, but it’s very difficult. I have never really been on my own before and I don’t like it. Even as a child I didn’t like my own company. I’d play with anybody, rather than have to play on my own. It’s pathetic really. She told me that one thing her mother had always told her was that you are with the right person “when all you want, is to be with them” and that therefore I shouldn’t be with a man until that is how I feel.
That is easier said than done as we get older. At our age we have to deal with trying not to be put off by the fact that the first time you sleep with somebody they snore the house down and have in-growIng toenails and saggy bits (and that’s just me). At least when you’ve been with somebody for years you know what they were like before and can forgive them the unkind ageing process. “What you need to do” she said “is ask for a photo of them when they were younger before you sleep with them”. Not sure that’s going to work.
She called me at a really bad moment. My car has just died. My boxes are everywhere. I needed to teach a class and therefore had to cycle my daughter’s bike which is clearly about to die too and I looked ridiculous. I can’t find the reciept to take it back, I nearly killed myself cycling because my leg muscles wouldn’t work and THEN a bird crapped on me on my way back. The force of the dark purple splodge landing on my right shoulder made me stop the bike. It was almost like somebody had catapulted a large plum from far away. Unbelievable. (Is that meant to be good luck?). She told me to set myself a task of unpacking two boxes and then have a treat. Good idea. She also told me that I was a lovely friend, that I had lovely friends, that I have three lovely children, that I have my health and that looking after a man is tiresome and unnecessary. I love my friends. Sometimes I forget that it’s OK to cry.
Anyway, the good news is that another man was in my class today, but his willy wasn’t spilling out all over the floor. So it’s not all bad.
Dumdad
June 25, 2008Firstly, a bird crapping on you is said to bring luck. Who said it, I don’t know. Perhaps a bird-crap fetishist?
I’ve just read your last few posts and I realised how hard it must be for you to be on your own. I do love my own company – in patches – but that’s in the knowledge that I have a wife and children whom I love and like.
The best times are en famille swimming or watching a DVD or cycling or eating out in a restaurant. I can appreciate how you must be hurting and yet your blog is not a depressing read unlike most others that are relating a similar sad story. You usually sign off with a quip.
I mentioned once in some blogpost that “nice” was a nice word, despite what my English teachers told me. I like nice and I like people who do nice. And it’s not always easy to be nice and I know I’ve failed on that score countless times. But I do try to be nice.
You’re rambling, Dumdad, quit while you’re behind.
Well, I just hope that bird brings you some good luck and happy times.
Anonymous
June 25, 2008actually it really is supposed to be good luck when birds crap on you. all i hope is that it brings you more of a sense of calm. you sound like you need a break. i hope you’re forgiving with yourself.
Frankofile
June 25, 2008You have a real gift for writing. We’re sharing your humanity, not (just) your misery and pain. While I’m sure I’d never have got to know you in real life, this way I feel like a privileged friend.
I’m assuming this is all real – people could make this stuff up I suppose in hopes of a book deal. If so, good on you even so as I really care what happens.
family affairs
June 25, 2008Thank you Dumdad for the compliment and you’re right “nice” is good.
Thanks anon for confirmation that bird’s crapping on you is a good thing.
Thank you Frankofile – what a compliment! I’ve never been told that I “have a real gift for writing”!! and that you feel like a privileged friend – that is an honour indeed. Trust me, sometimes I really wish I did make this all up….no such luck. It’s all completely true. Lx