I am going to have to be a little bit cryptic here, but I’ve been trying to work some things out of late and am attempting to find the strength to make some big decisions, but getting a little bit stressed and stuck in the mud in the process.
As parents, we have to spend a huge amount of time weighing up options and deciding what’s best for everyone involved, which of course does not mean that all of the children all of the time are going to like our decisions, nor do we know at the time whether we are making the right decisions. But, the important thing is that we do the best that we can, with the ultimate aim of teaching our children the basic facts of life, not only to help them discover who they are, but to be able to function as “adults” in the world. So, we teach them what we believe is acceptable and what is not, based on our own personal set of values. What is worth fighting for and what has to be let go. What and who they should respect in life and the importance of honesty, truth, love and kindness and whatever else you personally believe in. Then in order to reinforce what we are saying, we have to try and live by the same rules. Live by the same standards we preach. Being prepared to stand up for our beliefs even when it’s not the easiest route out is one of the hardest things to do in life.
Am I being too vague here?
I hope not. I’ll proceed anyway.
Being the “right” sort of role model for your children is never an easy job and invariably we will get it wrong however hard we try and sometimes it feels harder being a single parent, because you have to make many decisions on your own and/or have to consult a number of other people in their lives – step parents for example, or “significant others” can have just as much influence on them – both good and bad. Children watch and learn. They are aware of situations and understand a lot more than we give them credit for. They are incredibly resilient and much better at change than we are as adults because change is their norm – they deal with new experiences on a daily basis, but it is still important to pass on the right messages by showing them that you are prepared to do what is required to stay on track.
It’s so easy when they are young – they have no say in our decisions over their shoes, clothes, food, school, friends. As they get bigger so do the problems – we have to learn to step back and let them choose their own clothes, shoes, friends. It’s not very easy to do. It becomes much more about guidance and advice rather than making decisions on their behalf; what subjects to choose, career ideas, schools, universities, cars, relationships, lots of things. Then there are the more difficult decisions we can make that affect them hugely – choice of partner, getting divorced, moving locations – personally speaking, these are virtually impossible life changing decisions.
When you think about how much effort we all put into these decisions it’s interesting that for most adults there are often only a few brief moments in a developing life that stand out and have an significant effect – a key teacher, a friend, a moment when your parents stood up for you or for what you believe in, surviving a defeat or a disappointment – the moments that our children see something clearly or are mortified beyond belief, or scared, or inspired – these are totally unpredictable and not in our control. The things that they remember. All character building in their own way.
So, whilst we clearly have no idea which moments are going to affect them the most (mine was when my mother refused to buy me black patent shoes and ruined my life) you still need to be consistent when living your life in front of your children and try to provide them with as many of the “right” sort of memories as possible. We are all of course only human and have different approaches to how that might work – you can’t really judge, it’s actually very easy to find ways to accept the unacceptable, because quite often that is the path of least resistance. But, what is important is to take stock from time to time and look at whether what you are providing for their memory banks is the best that you can give them. Both for your own personal happiness and for theirs. Sometimes it’s about looking at the bigger picture and standing firm. Sometimes we have to be strong for those around us, rather than for ourselves, even when it is not the popular choice.
If all that makes no sense then I’m sorry….it’s all I can say at the moment.
Sarah Ebner
August 27, 2013Yes, to this entire thoughtful post. We will behave differently at different stages of our lives, and it isn’t always about what’s best for you at that particular moment, but having to take so many other things into account (when something is happening, who is affected, etc etc). Good luck on what is happening at the moment; you will get through it all. And it sounds like you know what you need to do. Being strong really isn’t always the easiest option, but it can be the best one.
Family Affairs
August 27, 2013Thanks Sarah xx
saz
August 30, 2013hmmm VERY cryptic, not just a bit Lu…
am guessing you are about to make some liufe changing decion(s) for yourself…and all mannner of levels come into play….
l may be wrong, but if i am not
I have learned 9through divorce, death and lack of contact with one child?er not 22 yr old now)
that the decisions should be made when we are presented with them…and for the sake of the children/their reaction/ the consequences…are in retrospect a cop out…as things pan out despite that which we choose, decide…
got with gut lu…not heart nor mind is my advice as gut is rarely wrong…the but he/she…and the what ifs..are pie in the sky and procrastination..but thats in my retrospect and MY truth
it may not be yours…
think of yourself a tiny bit girl
i may be way off the mark here,,if so
please ignore
saz x
Family Affairs
August 30, 2013Oh sorry hun – I know. Well you’re definitely on track – and thanks for the advice – I agree the decisions have to come at specific moments and for the right reasons at the time – agreed in retrospect it is all a cop out.
Agree re gut – it is totally the one to follow every time.
Not sure how I’m supposed to think of myself has a “tiny bit girl” – you either didn’t have your glasses on or had had a glass of wine!! Perhaps you could clarify??
Thanks so much for the comment – most appreciated Lx
auntiegwen
August 30, 2013It must be really hard to want to get the clear “head space” kind of catharsis that blogging it out gives you and not be able to do it.
Love ag x
Family Affairs
August 30, 2013I know. Then again I haven’t been able to blog freely for ages now – too complicated! So talking in code is going to have to be my new thing Lx
SusannahS
August 30, 2013I think the commenter way above was saying “think of yourself a tiny bit, girl”, as in think of yourself first. Whatever is the right decision for *you* will ultimately be the right decision for your family.
Family Affairs
August 31, 2013OH YES, I see….of course – and yes, that is always a good piece of advice in life – because you can’t please everyone all of the time – so maybe you have to do the things that feel right for you – or certainly to stand up for your beliefs in certain circumstances and hope that ultimately the decision will be the right one. Thanks S x