FIRST EVER BLOG POST

HAPPY BLOGGERVERSARY TO MY VERY OLD BLOG… Below I’ve added my first ever blog post as reminder to me of how life has changed.

It’s a terrifying seven years old this month. Where did all that time go? How much has happened since then. Good grief. I started it over the Easter break and was completely miserable. My marriage was all but over and I was very lost. Not sure I’m less lost these days, but I’m certainly in a very different place. Mostly, actually thanks to my blog. Which has developed a small mind of it’s own and taken me to places I could only dream of.

It’s most certainly been a roller coaster number of years with a lot of life changing experiences along the way – moving house, getting divorced, brother getting married, losing our father, meeting a new man, splitting up with new man, getting back together with new man, splitting up with not so new man, brother having babies, children leaving home, getting back together with not so new man, starting a new job, travelling more, splitting up again and all the while the blog evolved, not always in the way that I wanted it to – these days I can’t really be as open as I’d like to be. Perhaps it’s time for a change again. Maybe I’ll turn it into a piece of fiction and spice it all up again…it needs a bit of a kick up the arse I think. I think it’s lost it’s voice a little of late.

Anyway, lets see what happens. In the meantime, here is my first post .. all those years ago and the photo is the first one I took on my new camera at about the same time:-

“I am conducting an experiment. Another one. My life seems to be full of them at the moment. I apologise in advance to anyone that has the misfortune of accidentally stumbling across my ramblings. I am not a writer, nor am I a regular user of the internet. This particular exercise feels so abnormal that I might as well be attempting to make contact with aliens. I don’t even know what a “blog” is, let alone what a “blogroll” or “blogosphere” means. I have been advised to get my head around RSS feeds – is that a related condition? A new blog is born every second and according to one source there are about 70m blogs in existence that have been built up over the last 10 years. How is it that I am just catching on now? I thought I was cutting edge…

I read somewhere that we should all attempt to challenge ourselves daily. To step out of our comfort zone in some way shape or form. I imagine it’s a bit like becoming a teenager again. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it for those, like myself, who are old enough to know better and who can’t really cope with the adrenalin rush associated with putting yourself into an unfamiliar situation. Had I previously been in the SAS or MI5 it would have been fine, I might have welcomed them back with open arms. However, having only ever had about 3 or 4 adrenalin rushes before the age of 40 (not including my 40th birthday party), it is manifestly obvious that they are not good for me. They result in things like acne, sweaty armpits and irregular periods. For a teenager, this is a normal part of growing up, for me it feels more like having all my clothes removed and maybe one or two layers of skin and then being expected to stand in front of a crowd of people who can’t stop laughing.

By way of introduction I should probably just let you know that I am a nearly divorced mother of three who has arguably lost her way. If I’m honest, I would prefer to go back to my old life. The one in which I felt safe. The one in which I knew my boundaries and understood my place in the world. I swathed my entire family in cotton wool and enjoyed the feeling of being comfortably numb. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have had to cope with a major life changing trauma, I wouldn’t be here, attempting to understand the complexities of the modern world. I’d be in bed reading a book or watching television or warning the children not to reveal their postcode to anybody on the internet because a paedophile might come and find them.

My aim is simple. I plan to use the internet as a place to experiment with a new identity in order to find my own voice again. I would like to understand the allure of cyberspace and to embrace the wealth of possibility, rather than to fear the danger. I would also like to remain one step ahead of my children, although I suspect there will be no chance of that. It was not long ago, when my 14 year old asked if I’d logged on yet, that I replied “what do you mean?” Silence. “What part of “have you logged on yet ?” do you not understand?” he said incredulously. It will be mildly interesting to become an active participant in our most traumatic of daily household dramas, that of whose turn it is to use the computer. The children communicate constantly with their friends in this way. I don’t understand it – what’s wrong with meeting for a drink? Or talking on the telephone? They would argue that they can talk to 10 or 15 friends at the same time, but it can’t be right to have a one dimensional relationship with people, to not be responsive to facial expressions and non verbal communication. But that is the way of our brave new world and I for one have been teetering on the edge for too long. I am going to jump in. So here goes….Hello? Is there anybody out there? My name is … well, actually I am quite sure my name is of no interest to anybody, so let’s dispense with formalities for now”.