HOW TO WRITE A SCREENPLAY

I am about to respond to my ex husband’s letter about a reduction in maintenance and his suggestion that I retrain as a secretary or an Estate Agent. My lawyer has advised me to say something along the lines of:-

“That you have spent some years and money investing in the training you already have, that you can charge a much better hourly rate than any secretary could possibly hope to command, it is flexible, and capable of expansion as your children get older. But like him, the current economic climate is not helping you to develop your client base, but you are hoping to do so. Point out your age, and the fact that you have spent frankly the best years of your life looking after three children who have needed a lot of input as a result of the separation between the two of you, and this is what you thought he wanted for them and what you and he had agreed. You could ask him pointedly if his firm has made any secretaries redundant recently. I bet they have. It’s a tough climate for everyone”.

“POINT OUT MY AGE”? “SPENT FRANKLY THE BEST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE LOOKING AFTER THREE CHILDREN?” Good grief. How depressing. But it’s true. So I am going to tell him that I have no intention of retraining but am open to suggestions as to how we move forward.

In the meantime I desperately trying to find a way to earn my own money in order to support my kids without my ex husband’s help. I would really love to be able do that. My friend and I have come up with an idea. We are going to write a screenplay. Not just any screenplay. The next Hollywood Blockbuster.

How hard can it be?

A friend has lent me a book called “Save The Cat” by Blake Snyder which she says is the only book you need to read if you want to know about how to write a screenplay.

We had our first meeting this morning. We decided that a breakfast meeting sounded really important. Having thought about meeting somewhere glamorous and buzzy, I’m very glad we didn’t bother after looking at the state of us both at 8.30am this morning. Perhaps cocktail meetings would be better for us in future – we’d have more time to prepare.

We had both brought along new notepads to write down IMPORTANT things. Hers is blue. Mine is red.

She opened hers with a flourish and said “right, to start with what are “THE GREAT TRUTHS”? and the owner of the cafe said “OMG darling, don’t even go there, it’s far too early” and I was thinking WTF is she talking about?

She wrote down:-

“Wanting what you can’t have”
“Not realising what you’ve got till it’s gone”

I made her add “sex” and “conflict” and mumbled something about how there are only two questions people fight about in life but then couldn’t remember what they were – something like “Who does this belong to?” and “Do you love me?”. Then we got totally distracted by our delicious breakfast and failed to think of any others.

In my little red book I made note of everything else we discussed to be proper Hollywood writers:-

1. We need to buy a shiny bag my friend thinks (will M & S do or does it need to be designer?). Highlighter pens. Index cards. Pens in general. Calculator? Why? (looks good on table).

2. If we want to go somewhere we will be seen friend thinks we need to have swishy hair – will shampoo do the job or do we need hair extensions?

3. When on the red carpet/Women’s Hour – who is going to do the talking?

4. We need to watch lots of films. What sort of films?

5. We need to invest in industrial quantities of Maltesers (see No.4)

6. We need to think about actors we felt would be suitable to be in our film (when is Colin Firth next available? Will he work with Sienna Miller? Does that mean we have to have Jude Law? Shame we didn’t get Colin before now going to get an Oscar and be too busy/famous).

7. We agonised over what might happen if we were asked to present the film when we thought it was hysterical but nobody else did and then laughed so much at the thought our stomachs hurt.

8. Decided that perhaps scrambled egg and bacon and toast and coffee might be a bit fattening if we are to meet regularly.

9. Decided that we need to be careful about watching too many films and eating too many maltesers as otherwise won’t fit down the red carpet and will be very pale.

10. Should we bring laptops and open them up on the table to look important?

11. We agreed we should have an expense account but then wondered why because nobody to cover our expenses anyway.

So. There we are then. Our first meeting. I think it went very well.

Having thought a bit more about it I feel I’d better set the Agenda for the next meeting – because it seems we have missed out some key points.

MEETING TWO

1. What is the plot?
2. Who are the characters? Who is the hero?
3. What is “The story line?”
4. What genre is it going to be? (only just found out what that is and not sure how to pronounce it)
5. How long it will take us to write?
6. How do we actually write the pages for a screenplay – dialogue? Do we have to write things like “enter stage left?” I don’t think that book actually says.

SO. If anybody has any good ideas for a film or indeed knows anything about writing screenplays could you let us know ASAP please?

I think we might need a little bit of help.

Signs

These always help I think, so might add a signs section to our weekly meetings. This week signs to say it is going to be hugely successful include:-

1.My friend is a Rabbit (not literally – born in the year of). So a good year for her. I am not, but nevermind.

2.A friend of hers came into cafe who works in the film industry that she hasn’t seen for ages (big sign)

3. Last night at our Chinese New Year celebrations we all had a go at our fortune sticks – I shook out a No 33. It said:-

“Trust to the wisdom of a good friend, who will advise something for your good”
Wish for something possible” (OK then, maybe not Colin Firth).