Suddenly, I appear to have become an expert (more like ex-pert) in the dangerous arena of the dating game the second time around. I have a number of newly single friends all struggling to find their way in the maze of the largely unknown area of how to have sex with a new man after many, many years with one partner and it is not good. There are bodily hair issues, flesh issues, how many dates to wait before revealing yourself issues, texting issues, eating issues, you name it, there’s an issue about it.
I try my best to advise, but this latest problem leaves me speechless. A girlfriend has recently met a man she likes. Not too much wrong with him, but he’s making her feel rubbish AND be warned, this is not really the appropriate subject matter for a family blog. But I’m going to share it with you anyway, because she wants me to. Because she wants to know whether this is in any way acceptable behaviour:-
“I have met a lovely man (hair, own car, 10 fingers, two legs) and we have been for a couple of dates. Last night we met in town and he invited me back to his apartment. We shared some wine, and the inevitable happened. Well, except, something happened that has never happened to me before. I’ve not dated for 20 years – so maybe this is now some modern way, but well, we got intimate, or rather he got intimate with me and, well this is embarrassing now, straight after he’d finished, well, you can guess what….he ran off into the bathroom and used mouthwash?? I’ve seen him a few times since and he does the same thing every time. I feel destroyed, embarrassed and deeply humiliated. Do you think there something wrong with me?? Obviously I have fully investigated myself and bar ringing my recently divorced husband and asking outright if there is something I don’t know about myself am at a loss as to what to do??? He did come back and carry on kissing etc etc and he is a bit OCD about cleanliness (spotless flat, got detox out to wipe down kitchen surfaces after small drop of wine spilled on it) but still – is it me??? I’ve lost all my confidence and never want to see another man again!”.
Good grief. I just don’t know what to say. Doesn’t seem very romantic does it? Getting out the anti-bacterial mouthwash and killing all known germs.
My advise would be to dump him. It’s not the biggest problem in the world – we all want to know that our partners have high standards in the oral hygiene department – maybe she could just talk to him about it but in my view it’s not so much because of what he does but because of how it makes her feel. That’s a sackable offence.
Anybody else got any bright ideas if you haven’t already had to go and lie down?
Priness_L_88
May 26, 2010I’d say speak to him about it, if he is “a bit OCD” then it could be that he doesn’t even think about it, he doesn’t know its making her feel like that unless she tells him. No point throwing away something without trying to fix it in my opinion.
Family Affairs
May 26, 2010She’s just really embarrassed to do so, but maybe that is the right answer Lx
Expat Mum
May 26, 2010Dump him. If that’s what he’s doing now, god knows what’ll happen when he really lets his hair down.
Family Affairs
May 26, 2010Thats what I think too Lx
kelloggsville
May 26, 2010I suggest she does the same in reverse and see if he thinks it’s normal. If he does: then dump him, oh yes and if he doesn’t think it’s normal then…he has double standards….so dump him.
Even the good men have way too many irritating habits, if something weird pops up when they are still “on best behaviour” then whoa, time to leave ;0)
Mud
May 27, 2010Dump him. Anything so early on that makes your friend feel bad about herself just isn’t worth it.
LoopyLu
May 27, 2010Righty-ho. I’m of a completely different opinion of everyone else, it would seem. I think it’s quite good manners, myself. I wouldn’t kiss a man after he’d been “down there”. Yuck. It doesn’t mean she tastes funky or anything of the sort. Really. Nothing at all for your friend to worry about. She should mention it to him though. If she’s reached the level of comfortableness in which to pork him, she should be able to ask him about it x
Family Affairs
May 27, 2010Oh. Hadn’t really thought about it that way. What a lot of alternative views we have. Lx
fd
May 27, 2010inclined to agree with Loopylu and would add that the down there taste (generally) might not be to everyone’s taste and as such, perhaps he is in fact being super generous! he knows women like it, so he does it, but this is how he copes. that said, if it makes her feel rubbish, what is the point?
Vegemitevix
May 31, 2010Oh she should definately dump him! I once dated a guy who before turning in to bed for the night wanted me to go and brush my teeth with him! WTF? Didn’t think romance would ever kick off with that one.
Helen P
June 20, 2010I’m arriving very late to this one (still catching up on Google Reader after going away for a week) but I totally agree with LoopyLu – no way would I want to kiss anyone whose mouth had been ‘down there’ and I would be delighted if he went and used mouthwash so that we could continue to kiss after the event!
However, I would like to know that is why he was doing it so would definitely make sure with a little chat.
Family Affairs
June 20, 2010Well she’s dumped him in indignation now so we’ll probably never know the answer to that one! Lx