Good grief. What a nightmare. Update on ridiculous argument about how my son was going to get to his father is as follows:-
He sent a text confirming that he would be waiting at the station he told me he would wait at.
I sent a text telling him I wouldn’t be there.
He sent a text telling me how unreasonable I was being and that he would see me at 6pm as planned.
I sent a text telling him I wouldn’t be there, but was happy to drop him at our local station.
He sent at text telling me that he would see me at 6pm as planned.
I sent a text telling him that it wasn’t really out of his way to come to our local station and reminding him that he had promised that his move away wouldn’t affect the children in any way.
He sent a text telling me he would see me at 6pm as planned and that I don’t do anything to help him or give them any stability. All I do is take take take and if I’m not there as planned then that’s my choice and he will be there anyway.
and so on……
Stalemate. Disaster.
Builder Bloke came to the last minute rescue by saying that he could take our son down to their local rugby club where his children were playing (if you remember they are now my ex’s step children) and so all was well.
My son calls his dad to tell him the new plan and his dad says “no tell your mum I am meeting you at 6pm at the station as agreed. I am on my way there now”. WTF!!
Anyway. He very ungraciously accepts the new arrangment by telling me that it is no easier for me to deliver him to BB than it is to get to him (much easier actually). Son is happy because he can go, ex presumably is happy because he’s got him for the evening and I’m happy because we finally reached a solution.
But.
Honestly.
I am finding it all very stressful. This new approach he seems to have to me post his marriage. My plan not to engage doesn’t really work when it involves trying to sort out an arrangement for the children, but he simply refuses to listen to me.
This is all going wrong. I feel exhausted and stressed.
Expat Mum
October 6, 2010Sorry – but what a complete and utter tosser! Perhaps next time (which of course, there will be), you should point out to him that his entrenched-ness (made up word, just for him) is childish and has rhyme nor reason.
Ugh! I could cyber slap him.
Expat Mum
October 6, 2010Of coure that should be “has NEITHER ryhme nor reason.”
Family Affairs
October 7, 2010How do cyber slaps work? Do you need an email address? Lx
Lynda
October 6, 2010And he wants you to spend time thinking about future possible careers, retraining etc!!! When would you get time after dealing with him on a regular basis? It would be too exhausting to do anything except get through each day!
Sis in law 1
October 6, 2010Hi. My God I’m not surprised you’re stressed! He’s like a child in the playground (although actually that’s an insult to them). He’s really acting stupidly. If it’s any consolation he doesn’t seem to be very happy, especially as he should be in some kind of honeymoon period after getting married recently. At this rate he’ll end up being a morose, miserable, bitter person. He’s wasting his life away over silly insignificant problems created by him and his rigid behaviour, when he should be remembering how good he’s got it in the big scheme of things. He doesn’t seem to know or understand what empathy is. He needs to take a step away from himself and THINK about what effect his demands are having on everyone-especially you. But also possibly on all his relationships. Blinkered is the only word I can think of to describe him. Keep sticking up for what you believe the children need, you know them better than anyone. X
Family Affairs
October 7, 2010Thanks so much L I agree that he seems more blinkered at the moment. Lx
ciara
October 7, 2010i know what you are going through. i still go through some similar things w my ex and we’ve been apart since 2002. he does not think he should pay half for any of our girls’ activities, because I don’t have a job and make my own money. I’m a stay-at-home mom. He tells my girls all the time that he hates that I don’t work. i have a laundry list of things he accuses me of or says i won’t do (i have them in texts, too lol). i’ve come to realize that there is no reasoning with someone who doesn’t want to listen and always think they’re right. there are days i want to slap him.
he hasn’t married his gf of 3 years yet, but maybe it’s cos she knows he’s not marriage material or something lol my girls love their dad, but they don’t like him. his oldest, a son from his first ex, doesn’t see him often even though they all live in vegas. he’s older and more busy, but he also doesn’t like his dad. sad part is, he doesn’t get it. my girls ask to shorten their visits every summer.
Family Affairs
October 7, 2010Its sad isn’t it? But you’re so right – when they’ve made a decision about what we are like no amount of discussion/argument will change that view. So I must keep remembering that there is just no point in trying to engage. Do what I have to re sorting out the kids and nothing more. It’s way too upsetting Lx
debio
October 7, 2010‘Married for years, divorced for life’ – how true when there are children. And he’s got you in this endless stress cycle because you are the one who doesn’t want to disappoint the youngsters. Pity he can’t get beyond the revenge stage even with a new wife.
If it’s any consolation you’re not alone with living this (and I bet it isn’t!). My ex will use any weapon at his dispoasl to get to me and it’s usually through our daughter as it remains the only way he can reach me.
Rise above if you can – you are better than that.
Family Affairs
October 7, 2010Rise rise rise….trying trying trying `lx
Laura
October 7, 2010Control control control. That’s all it’s about. It’s not enough that he caused this whole mess in the first place and then he constantly grinds you down and points the finger of blame at you.
I agree with Expat Mum, what a complete and utter tosser.
Family Affairs
October 7, 2010Yes, I guess now the children are the only bits of control left – which is terrible isn’t it – they shouldn’t be used in our battle Lx
Karin
October 7, 2010I bet BB’s involvement in the solution really got his goat.
Family Affairs
October 7, 2010Well yes, that would have pissed him off L x
Family Affairs
October 7, 2010….and her off even more Lx
Sharon
October 7, 2010get a new phone number for everything except him. Only use the one he has for arranging kids stuff and tell him its only on for a few hours each weekend to pick up messages, so he has to plan ahead. Then tell him to stop bullying/harassing you. Geez he’s hard work. I think I’d ignore him more though and put something like this in place so he can’t just invade your new life whenever he feels like it.
Family Affairs
October 7, 2010Thanks will think about that idea – good one Lx
saz
October 7, 2010married for years divorced for life!! too right eh??
Im so sad for you Lu…he is a sod for sure…and it realy winds us up..l’m sure that is why they do it…and because she will be setting all this up, with small words and he will leap onto it….clever…
ultimatley l keep hoping that when the kids grow and have life experiences they will read between the lines and figure it all out..meanwhile everyone is stressed and upset…
I’m guessing the ‘arrangements’ for the kids are between you both……not through the court…cos if he gets very unreasonable and this does affect your sons wellbeing and school work etc…you can say it has to be a set time for your sons well being..
btw did you at elast have a statement of arrangements rubber stamped…..my husband has not even acknowledged my divorce application no r the statement of arrangement for our son…..is ignoring csa too…this is actually working well for my on one level, l am getting stronger and will dig my heels in…l also ignore his emails now and dont respond to any text unless it is about our son and requires answering….rarely l get them a she is now 16 and its up to son….
wish l could help….
l wont rant l promise l do that on my private blog..wish l could rant on my FFF blog…but potentially ‘everyone’ reads that…
luv saz x