Apparently there is a new self-help book out by an American therapist called Mira Kirshenbaum. Seemingly (says the blurb) it is the latest book “to turn to when you are trying to understand an affair and figure out how to deal with it”. She believes there are 17 different kinds of affairs ranging from “accidental” (oops I just slipped on the floor and accidentally my willy slid into her fanny). “Sexual panic” (I’m so sorry, I just panicked and when I jumped, my willy just landed in her fanny). “See if” (“See If” what? See if I can fuck up my entire life in as short a time as possible?). Distraction (sorry, I got distracted there for a minute and when I came back to my senses I found my willy was stuck up somebody else’s fanny) to revenge, unmet needs and midlife crisis. Personally I don’t think you can separate most of her motivations…they all merge into each other.
Sorry. I’ll stop now. You’ll be getting the feeling that her book isn’t going to really work for me. I mean it’s not rocket science is it? We all know people who have had or are having affairs and they’re not inherently bad people. They all have their own, generally valid reasons. We know if our marriage broke down because of an affair (even if our immediate grief made us want to run them over) it doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad people. It’s a bit like saying all murderers, terrorists, traffic wardens, lawyers and estate agents are bad people and it just is never that simple (apart from the estate agents and lawyers obviously). But what about the good people who don’t have affairs? Does that make them better people? It’s all bollocks. It’s not a matter of there being rights and wrongs, or good Vs bad behaviour – it really depends on each individual situation, on how you feel about your relationship, on how you deal with it, your personal circumstances and how much you feel your partner loves you and doesn’t want to lose you.
Mira Kirshenbaum says the “right kind” of affair can be a positive thing, acting to “jolt people out of their inertia”. She says “the positive side of cheating has been ignored”. But here’s the key to her success “NEVER OWN UP”.
She says that revealing the infidelity is more damaging than keeping quiet. So. What she’s advocating here is not only to cheat on your partner but to lie about it too. What kind of message is that for life? Here we are busily telling our children it is never OK to lie (except when mummy asks you if she looks nice) and here we have a book all about why it’s OK to be dishonest, unfaithful and untrustworthy. Although I have to say that if my husband hadn’t admitted to the affair we would still be together, so she does have a point.
There are so many easy excuses for “good people”. Why not add a few more?
Sorry, I was drunk.
I was bored.
I thought it would be nice to get a new bathroom, but I could only afford to do it by shagging the tiler. I thought you’d be pleased.
I felt really sorry for them (sympathy shag).
I wanted to see what it was like to be with a much younger man.
I didn’t think you’d mind.
I saw this self help book in your bag and figured that you must be having an affair but weren’t going to tell me about it so I thought I’d have one too.
I didn’t have anything to write about in my blog post for tomorrow.
Oh the list is endless.
I for one will not be buying her book.
Dumdad
June 12, 2008“I didn’t have anything to write about in my blog post for tomorrow.”
Fair enough, I think, but no excuse for the other reasons.
Who is this Mira Kirshenbaum? Positive side to cheating, and lying is okay? More fool anyone who buys this load of old bollix.
People have affairs for a variety of reasons and I never judge what other people do. BUT I can’t stand it when someone tries to make out that it wasn’t their fault and it sort of happened. Bollix again.
family affairs
June 12, 2008She has had 30 years experience as a marriage therapist apparently. I completely agree with you. That was what I couldn’t handle that the blame gets passed on to you and everything else around you. Take some responsibility. That’s what I say x
Janelle
June 12, 2008yup. me too. on the same team! precisely! x janelle
Grit
June 12, 2008wow! never own up? that’s astonishing.
Expatmum
June 12, 2008I saw this the other day and coldn’t quite believe it either. It’a almost like she has no opinion on the affair itself, just for god’s sake don’t tell. And that assumes that you have 100% control over the news getting out. Unbelievable.
leftforofficebike
June 14, 2008She’s clearly having an affair AND trying to make money out of it!!
A Mother's Place is in the Wrong
June 15, 2008Oh Lulu, I laughed till I cried. Your willy and fanny jokes are so funny. Is she serious? I agree that she’s obviously having an affair and making money out of it. What progress you have made!! Margot xx
Shaykh Rattle 'n' Roll
June 18, 2008Consider for a moment why Mira would write such a book… What underlying idea is she expressing? Which idea ties her together with her readership, and possibly to the wider society?
I’m sure we’ve all heard people say “I’ll try anything once”, or that they want to “find themselves”, “express themselves”, or that they’re “just having a laugh”. A marriage – a binding relationship between two people – surely is a detriment to that desire to be free. It limits the couple to a commitment, to only having sex with their husband or wife. Their expression and exploration is confined, leading to the phrases “ball and chain” and “settling down”, or even “trapped” when referring to marriage. The last minute drunken visits to the stripper on a stag night make a lot of sense when a freedom-loving individual is facing the condemnation of a lifetime of responsibility and restriction.
Mira, on the other hand, is giving them a way to do what they feel they must, and to fulfil that urge. Of course she says it is good – it ties into her raison d’être.